Don’t.

Don’t let the best man use a black Lexus for the bride and groom’s transportation.  Sure, it looks nice.  But apparently there is a branch of Chinese tradition that considers black to be an unlucky color for a wedding car.  Imagine a suburban lawn covered with elderly relatives whose jaws drop when you arrive.

Corollary: Don’t suggest riding with the bride and groom because “my whiteness will offset the evil of the car.” No such loophole exists in the tradition.  Although it should, because it totally makes sense.

Don’t smuggle tiny bottles of Jack Daniels in the pockets of your tux, because it looks like you’re happier to see the bridesmaids than you actually are.

Corollary: Next time, get all Sarah about it and strap a flask to your leg.

Don’t sit way up front near the dance floor, because this means when the dragon dancers start, you will have a ringside view of dragon ass.  Later, when giving red envelopes to the dancers (containing money, a tradition for rewarding people who help with the wedding), suppress urge to say “I’m looking forward to staring at the buttocks of other mythical creatures, such as a chimera and perhaps a phoenix.”

Don’t befriend someone who will use Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” for the first dance.  Because, well, then you have to sit and listen to it.  Although it’s almost worth it to see an advance copy of the wedding agenda where someone scribbled “Remember: Give Armageddon soundtrack to DJ.”

Don’t miss the chance to take advantage of the Chinese tradition of giving a gift in the form of money.  I love bridal registries, since they take all the stress out of gift buying, but this tradition is even better because it cuts out the middleman.  As Danny Devito said in David Mamet’s movie Heist, “Everyone needs money.  That’s why they call it money!”

Do.
Presume that the bridesmaids speech is going to be very sentimental, as well as basically inaudible because it’s given by a bunch of nervous girls fumbling with a microphone, meaning that it may be possible to get away with this for the groomsmen speech.