I strongly believe in religious tolerance, but I can’t figure out people who worship the Devil.  There’s no way to do anything that will make the Devil happy; he’s just pissed off in general. Why would you want to do the bidding of someone whose sole purpose is to lie and be evil?  Devil worshippers should ponder this question carefully, and so should people who work for Karl Rove.

I suppose the Devil could give you riches and fame in this earthly life or something, but I’m not convinced he actually does that.  For example, have you heard anyone give thanks to Satan after winning an academy award?  I was pretty sure Jennifer Hudson was going to--she loses on American Idol and goes on to win an oscar?  I sensed the presence of dark forces.  But no, she thanked God profusely, and despite the win I’m not convinced she’s a very good actress so I believe her.  (There is a theory, however, that you can play Marisa Tomei’s old oscar acceptance speech backwards and she says “I owe everything to the Lord of the Flies and also I want to give a special shout out to my man Belial.")

What kind of payoff do Satanists expect? With the other guy there’s eternal happiness and no canker sores and all that.  What is the Devil going to say when you finally show up?

“Well, uh, thanks for all the worship and sacrifices and whatnot.  Okay, you’ll be located in Pit of Agony #137.  Asmodeus will take you down there. Okay, so long and have a nice eternity.”

“Wait!  I was faithful to you my whole life!  Isn’t there a reward for me?”

“Oh, uh. Well.  This is awkward.  No, basically, you get to writhe in eternal torment just like everyone else. I mean, hello, I’m the ruler of Hell--not Fiji.”

“But I did so much for you.  Don’t I get any special consideration?”

“Oh, uh, right.  I did install a CD player over your pit to help drown out the screams of the damned.  You should dig that.”

“Cool, thanks!”

“Right, but uh, unfortunately it only plays Abba’s Greatest Hits.”