There’s some stuff I really want for Christmas, so I thought we could take this moment to set the record straight on some of my alleged misdeeds over the past year.

1. First of all, there’s the See’s candy incident mentioned below. Just scratch that one off your list, because I’ve been punished enough. Who in their right mind came up with the idea that coconut should be something people want to eat?

2. All those times I blew off going to the gym. Like you’re one to talk. Take a good look in the mirror, fat boy.

3. Yes, I did kind of sleepwalk through the last press release I wrote. I used the word “solutions” about six times. But, y’know, we really do provide solutions. It’s all the other companies’ press releases that are full of meaningless, self-serving hyperbole--not mine.

4. When I wrote the check for my property taxes, I scribbled “For the Robber Barons” in the “memo” section. You have to admit, that’s pretty funny. Oh lighten up.

5. Instead of letting KQED keep the $65 honorarium that they give to their commentators, I’m using it to buy the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 3 DVD. I’m sure you’re about to get all self-righteous now, Mr. Run-the-Business-with-Illegal-Elf-Labor.

I hope we have an understanding. I expect to see quality loot this year, and none of those lump of coal shenanigans. Remember, I know where you live.

Love,
Greg