Disclaimer: This post is about a bloody battle between a snake and an alligator, which was really cool because the snake won and ate the alligator, but you should stop reading if you’re totally grossed out by this sort of thing, which would be too bad and you should engage in extensive self-analysis.  I mean, if you can’t get jazzed about a boa fighting an alligator, do you really have your priorities in life straight?

I have a friend who loves nature.  His apartment is filled with plants, frogs, and flowers.  He once showed off his new TV stereo system by turning on a nature show. I said, “Usually people put in The Matrix or something.  Not a lot of people need to hear crickets chirping in 5.1 surround.”

This weekend, I mentioned something about the famous fight between the alligator and the python in the Florida everglades.  I said, “The pictures were all over the Internet.  The python ate the gator but it was too much and its stomach exploded.  It was cool.”

He looked at me disdainfully.  “What, did you read that in The Enquirer?”

“No man, it really happened.”

“Snakes don’t eat things and explode.  If they eat it, they can digest it.”

“Oh yeah?  Look, you know your plants, but what are you--some sort of...of...snakeologist?”

He just shook his head. But when I looked it up on the web, I realized that in the year that the incident had happened, scientists got involved and basically proved that my friend was right.  This account in particular explains how scientists concluded that the facts were more complicated that how the news reported them.

For example, the alligator was indeed partially digested at the time they found the corpses.  So it seems unlikely that the boa was unable to eat its prey.  Furthermore, the boa was found with his head missing.  That seems to suggest that the boa ate the gator, went about its merry way, and was killed later by a second gator.

Do you see what this means?  There was a second shooter!  Just like on the grassy knoll!

“What makes you think Oswald didn’t act alone?” “Because of the angle of the shot, the involvement of Jack Ruby, and because we couldn’t find the President’s head.”

The entire thing illustrates my love/hate relationship with the scientific community.  Frankly, I was disappointed to find out that the snake didn’t explode, because that would have been just cool.  Having this illusion stripped from me reminded me of all the other cherished beliefs in my life that science has cast into doubt, such as the existence of Loch Ness and the ability of a radioactive spider to survive long enough to bite someone and give him powers.  Plus, it seems to suggest that sometimes the Internet disseminates false information.  No frickin’ way!

On the other hand, National Geographic’s theory means that there was not one but two fights between a giant boa and an alligator.  To which I say: Thank God for science.  Because I dig sequels.

Furthermore, I think that National Geographic’s analysis raises awareness of the ongoing boa/python conflict, and that we should all be on alert.  I think it makes sense to think of them as a pair of rival gangs.  The alligators are the Gats, and the pythons are the Bluebloods.

GATS: Did you eat one of our homies last year?

BLUEBLOODS: Yeah, bro, but then one of your crew came along and bit off our guy’s head.

GATS: That’s straight up, and we’ll do it again.  You ready to throw down?  Right now?

BLUEBLOODS: Nah, just ate a cheetah.  Gimme a week to digest, then bring it on.