Today I found a Christmas card in my mailbox that was meant for someone else. Like most people, I succumbed to curiosity and opened it and read it. Unlike most people, I’m taking the extra immoral step of making fun of it on my blog.
Why? I’ve lived at my current location for two-and-a-half years. I also know who owned the place before I did. This card wasn’t addressed to them. In other words, “Jim and Becky” haven’t bothered to update their Christmas card list for something like five or six years. They’re one of those couples who blasts half the continental United States with their annual blather, uncaring of who actually ends up receiving their form letters. Do these thoughtless people deserve any consideration? Why, no. No, they do not.
Dear Relatives and Friends,
Sarah celebrated her 90th birthday on August 23rd. Our four children and some grandchildren were present. We all played Baroque chamber music at home for her for three days.
I am not making this up. Let me get this straight--this tough broad survives that long and you reward her with three straight days of chamber music? That must be one heck of an inheritance you people have coming. Perhaps this was one of the missing solutions in the board game Clue: “Jim and Becky did it in the nursing home with the chamber music.”
We also had a family dinner with an Italian theme on our patio.
After we finished with the chamber music, we broke out the Spaghetti-os.
In September Jim accepted the music position at the Unitarian Universalist church which is only a few blocks from our house.
Good, because professional and spiritual fulfillment just isn’t worth it if you have to deal with a long commute.
The organ is the oldest organ on the west coast, but it is not functioning at present, so he uses the piano.
Again, I am not making this up. There will be a brief time out while everyone giggles.
The choir is small, but the congregation includes a surprising number of intellectual people.
Why is that surprising? Unitarians are people who think they’re too smart to commit to a real religion. Now, if you said you had a lot of intellectuals in the Church of Latter-Day Druids who Worship the Earth Mother Gaia or something, you might have a point.
Updates on the family. Daughter Cynthia is a freelance violinist in the San Francisco area.
The snickering pretty much stopped for me at this point. I feel for this girl. I find it hard enough scrounging up a few freelance writing assignments here and there. When’s the last time you saw someone advertising for a violinist on Craigslist?
Grandson Tommy is beginning his study of Chinese for preparation for diplomatic work in China next year.
Wait a second--he’s just beginning his study of Chinese and he’s going to be practicing diplomacy in a year? Here’s hoping he doesn’t confuse the phrase “Pass the chow mein: with “We will be invading you this and every other Tuesday from now into perpetuity.”
Son Fredrick is professor of music at University of Chicago.
What I’m gathering is: heavy emphasis on music in this family. Less emphasis on updating Christmas card mailing lists.
Grandson George is an engineer at General Mills.
Grandson George is tasked with making the flakes stay crunchy longer.
And although this was something of a mean-spirited post*, I want to appropriate Jim and Becky?s final words because they do, in the final analysis, echo my own:
Merry Christmas Happy Non-Denominational Holidays and a Very Happy New Year.
Love,
Jim and Becky Geese Aplenty
*Frankly, I’m just bitter because I haven’t sent out my own accurately addressed cards yet this year.
Bravo, Geese! A very humourous semi-Fisking! Uh...did you change the names to protect the <strike>innocent</strike> guilty?
heh…
Merry, happy, and healthy, Greg. Enjoy the coal you’ll be getting for that post. All the best in ‘05.
In my own rather mean-spirited Christmas mode, I laughed my caboose off at this and will never be able to read another Christmas letter without doing the same thing you did here. Happy holidays to you and yours.
Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate) to you too
(The following has been plagarized. Please forgive me.)
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. In addition, please also accept my best wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make your country great (not to imply that your country is necessarily greater than any other country or area of choice), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual orientation of the wisher.
This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. “Holiday” is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).
Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wisher her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non- implementation of it.
This greeting is void where prohibited by law, or if you consider it to be in bad taste, or in any other way slightly offensive to you, either now or in the future 12 months.
Oh, that is too funny.
Last year I got this, “We are all doing well, except for Grandma X, who has just been moved to the dementia ward of her retirement community.”
i think you owe it to yourself to find these people, friend them, and continue to provide updates on the lives of frederick, george, tommy and cynthia. and if sarah survived the spaghetti-o incident.
seasonal type well wishes to you as well mr aplenty.
and i do the same thing only have not gotten anything quite so amusing.
I’ll bet you anything that there’s a grandson who’s a Hell’s Angel. I sure hope there is.
I have got to start doing this crazy family newsletter stuff.
Kids bigger, sassier. Gramma older, crazier. I’m still broke, but on a higher income than ever!
On second thought...maybe not.
Confession time. I once received a letter in college meant for someone else, and decided to give in to my dark side and open it. I then took it upon myself to break out a red pen and correct all the grammatical and spelling errors, mark the envelope ‘return to sender’ and drop it in the mailbox. Yes, I’m going to hell! But in my defense, I lived in a really small, boring college town.
Dear Resident:
This note is to advise you that my family and I, total strangers to you, are having more fun, making more money, and playing on older organs than you could ever imagine in a million mincemeat-addled dreams. My series of porn travelogues has been syndicated across asia and our children have been authorized to print their own Euros. Hope your holiday doesn’t suck as bad as it looks like it will from here.
Sincerely, Felix Navidude. (to be sent to 20 random addresses with a photo of lassie.)
This is how I feel about holiday cards. Those awful form letters are even worse.
greg, that’s just mean.
and funny.
happy holidays.
Hilarious! Loved it.
My question is - did you receive a letter from them last year as well?
I recieved the worst Christmas form letter ever this year.
The sender lost her job, broke her leg, had to have surgery to reset the leg and is currently living with her parents ‘til she can walk again. Closing line: “I broke my leg while being a good samaritan. I guess kindness doesn’t always pay.”
And we’re not even friends anymore.
That was hilarious! I want updates next year!
I did change the names, and since my lawyer brother tells me it’s a felony to open other people’s mail, I guess I’d better state that I made up the whole thing. Yeah. And I’ve never jaywalked. Or downloaded mp3s off the Net. Yes. Exactly. And never, under any circumstances, would I tear the tags off a mattress.
That’s MY friggin’ Great Aunt Becky and Uncle Jim, asshole, and my cousin Tommy is a very fast learner!!
But seriously, har.
Amazing the material we get when we’re not looking for it. Poor Jim and Becky. I have a friend like that too, although she means to send me cards. I’m not naming any names though so don’t try to make me.
loved every word. thanks for this post.
happy non-denominational holidays to you, too, monsieur howard.
Happy Holidays, Greg!
Merry Xmas !
How come they didn’t send it the last two years?
Sarah’s birthday is the same as my dad’s. Didn’t Clark Griswold’s job include making flakes stay crunchy longer?
90 year old organs! AHHHHHHH!!!
Cracked me up. And yeah, I wonder whey they didn’t send one for the last two years. Not only are they not updating their Christmas list, but they’re slighting half the people on it, too. Great blog.
Grandson George is tasked with making the flakes stay crunchy longer.
That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time. Absolutely priceless. Thanks!