Michael Powell, head of the Federal Communications Commission, is actually urging restraint in regards to slapping fines on networks that showed an unedited Saving Private Ryan.  Powell will recommend that no penalties be levied against the ABC stations that aired the violent movie as part of a Veterans Day tribute--despite the fact that The American Family Association, led by Rev. Donald Wildmon, filed complaints with the FCC.

This is a big deal.  The Janet Jackson debacle demonstrates that Powell is not shy about handing out fines for indecency. It’s a known fact that in the Powell household, the wife and kids are afraid to walk around naked for fear of being asked to write Michael a check.

“But Mom, I haven’t taken a shower in a week.”

“Quiet, honey.  We can’t afford another indecency fine.  Listen, go down to the car wash and run inbetween the cars, so Daddy won’t see your naked shamefulness.  Be careful of the hot wax.”

At first I was sympathetic to the good Reverend and the American Family Association.  I mean, I saw Saving Private Ryan in the theaters and I thought it was pretty indecent too.  All those brave, upstanding soldiers sacrificed their lives--for Matt Damon? What’s up with that?  If I were those guys, I would have stuck him right back where I found him.

“Sir, we found Private Ryan.”

“Well, could you un-find him?  We can’t let him get back to civilization and make The Legend of Bagger Vance and All the Pretty Horses.”

But no, it turns out that the family organization was upset about the violence.  The violence depicted in a movie.  About war.  On Veterans Day. I understand that the world changes when you have kids and you become more sensitive to these things. But if even Michael Powell thinks you’re over the line, you might want to lighten up.

Still, I understand that some of you might be confused about what you might do when this situation arises again.  If you have children and a violent movie airs, the following recommendations may be useful:

1. Turn the TV off.

2. I’m sorry, did you not hear me over the sound of the baby crying, the phone ringing, and your self-righteousness indignation pounding in your temples? Allow me to repeat myself.  Turn the TV off.

3. Change the channel. South Park is a fun animated show for children of all ages.

4. Read to them.  Why are you having reverends and family groups file complaints anyway? Don’t you have any other form of entertainment in your house besides the damn television? Literate people ought to file fines against parents who think that TV is the end-all of their children’s upbringing.  Grab some Lemony Snicket books, sit down, and shut up.  (Except to read to them.  I meant “shut up” in a non-shutting up way.)

5. Let them watch the movie. The best that can happen is they learn about the horrors of war; the worst is that they’ll be mentally scarred for life. 

And they probably already are anyway considering what happened to Bambi’s mother.