The amount of people asking me to sponsor their charity walks has been growing exponentially. I get to work in the morning and the supplicants are forming a line before I even have a chance to sit down. Look--I just bounded up four flights of stairs, as I do every day, but do you see me going over to your cubes and asking for a dollar per step?
Don’t get me wrong. The charities are worthy. I’m in favor of healthy breasts, healthy hearts, and healthy lungs. I admit it’s a little easier to relate to the healthy breasts thing. I often think during the day that I like breasts, and the breasts that exist should be protected. I often gain perspective on this weighty issue by examining the healthy breasts in my range of sight. But, I mean, in theory I’m in favor of healthy hearts and lungs too, although they’re more abstract to me. No girl has ever said to me, “Greg, can you please look at me when you’re talking to me and not my lungs?” Also, I definitely don’t like diseases and whatnot. I’m even willing to take a stand on this and say that diseases are bad.
Charities are fine. Charitable giving is fine. It’s just the walk part that bothers me. Yeah, what a great sacrifice you’re making--you’re going on a walk. Paul Revere’s got nothing on you. I would rather just give people the money for the charity and have them stay home. Or, even better, give them the money if they start going to the gym more often. Because wouldn’t we have a healthier nation, and possibly a few less charity walks, if people just took care of themselves once in a while? Snap off your TIVOd library of Desperate Housewives and hop on a treadmill and I’ll write you the cheeriest check you’ve ever seen.
Maybe a compromise would be that we stop doing walks, and instead something that requires a little more symbolic sacrifice. Something that represents a real devotion to the cause. For example: a charity Go to Strangers’ Houses and Tear Up Their Flowerbeds Until They Call the Cops. I’ll kick in fifty an hour for that.
That’s not a bad idea, buying gym cards to patients
It’s difficult though, isn’t it. Most charities are about important things, but if you would give to each and everyone who terrorise you on the phone you’d be broke in no time.
This year I decided only to give money to the charities where people quit nagging me once I’ve said no. So far that’s three out of six organisations.
I am completely behind you in this rant. And happy to let you fund my gym expenses whenever you feel the need to help out.
I’ll give money to anyone who promises never to ask me for money again.
I always give them a furrowed brow and say something like “oooh....I don’t know...I kinda like juvenile diabetes.” and then walk away.
wow, i hope i avoid the roving flower bed banditos. how about leaf raking troops instead?
can the aforementioned banditos and/or troops come over and make themselves useful organizing my books on the bookshelves? yeah, i’d pay someone to do that.
oh, wait, this was about charities.
on a separate but attached rantish note, has anyone else noticed how NPR - in an ongoing effort to shorten the what now seems to be biweekly fund-drive - has added days where they talk about shortening the fund-drive? it makes me want to switch to satellite and the BBC.
Greg- I bound up and down a very steep hill everyday, and I was wondering if you could spare a few bucks to buy me a jog-bra…
ya know, for breast health.
If a woman every admonishes you for staring at her breasts you should just say, but baby, I’m just checking on your lungs.
First, if nothing else, I am for freeing breasts from captivity. Get PETA on that please.
Second, what’s this crazy talk about shutting off my TIVO for some as yet undetermined period of time? I simply cannot get behind your ideals.
Greg, did you purposely name this post after the fourth episode of Lost?
I like to think that you did.
oh man, i never admit this in public, but every walk-for-whatever fills me with rage. NO PROBLEM HAS EVER IN ANY WAY BEEN MITIGATED BY WALKING. so you could donate the cost of the overhead to the charity.
also: i am a firm believer in less protection for jugs. shirts are cruel.
somebody put greg in charge of everything and soon.
Maybe what they’re really trying to say is, “take a walk” and they’re just cloaking it in all this charity business. Kids are so cruel.
Er, no. A walkabout is a real thing--at least, if you’re an Australian Aborigine--as that episode makes clear.