One thing I find strange is that in most occasions, it’s not considered polite to talk about one’s sex life with acquaintances. Except for one exception--when people talk about attempting to have a baby.
They say, “We’ve been trying for a while now.”
And I have to stop and just deal with that image for a second. Because not only have they just said “We’ve been having sex a lot lately,” but “We’ve been having pretty intense sex, and there’s a bunch of emotional issues wrapped up in it.”
Yet no one ever blinks an eye--and, apparently, I’m the only one who needs to take a few seconds to visualize it, which usually leads to people snapping their fingers in my face and saying “Are you still with us?”
I’ve learned that, despite this extremely intimate confession, it’s not okay to follow up with “Well, have you tried using toys?”
It really doesn’t seem fair, though. I’m not allowed to say “Yeah, recently me and my girlfriend have been really pounding each other in the sack, and to be honest, it’s all pretty emotionally charged.”
Although maybe this would be acceptable if I conclude with “But it’s all right, we’re thinking about having a baby.”
last i heard, baby making sex goes something like this.
Her: I’m ovulating!
Him: You mean, like, right now?
Her: Yep, hop to it.
Him: But I’m watching the game, can it wait until half time?
Her: Nope. the window will have closed by then.
Him: how about a commercial?
Her: Glare
Him. Fine. Take your pants off.
doesn’t that sound emotionally charged?
the best part is when “we’ve been trying for a while now” is followed by: “we think it’ll really help our marriage.”
And speaking of visualization, I feel a little dirty now.
Greg, I am here to tell you it could be worse.
For instance:
Him: “Candy! Baby!”
Me: “I haven’t seen you in ages! How have you been?”
Cheek kiss, cheek kiss.
Him: “My girlfriend just had another miscarriage this week, but I’m doing some really killer things with the music industry up in LA.”
This same conversation has been repeated no less than twelve times over the last two years.
I’ve learned that, despite this extremely intimate confession, it’s not okay to follow up with “Have you ever heard of birth control? Or staying home and cooking your model girlfriend dinner, instead of going to the club? And after you cook her this dinner, make sure she doesn’t go and throw it up in the toilet?”
See? Silver lining.
Trying for a baby isn’t so bad.
Candis, that story is astonishing.
You’re actually able to pull off that cheek kissing thing? Whenever I try it, I look like I’m trying to gnaw something off their skin.
I get it from the other side - nosy people ask, “So when are you two going to have a baby? You’d better not wait that long! You’re not getting any younger!”
If you can think of a good response to that, we’ll both kiss your feet.
i think that second scenario is all about venue.
i.e.
locker room = probaby ok
work-related dinner = not so much
Teahouse…
Just tell them you think a pregnancy will seriously interfere with your daily crack habit.
That usually confuddles them....