Titles of rap songs I could credibly write if I became a rap star.

Ain’t Nothing’ But a G Thang Although I Usually Go By “Greg” To Be Honest

Mama Said Have Some Milk and Cookies

Bitches and H0s (I Have Neither/Nor)

I Know Someone Who Knows a Friend of a Friend Who’s Chillin’ on Death Row

Ready 2 Take a Nap

Roll Me a Blunt (Now What Does That Mean Again?)

The Best Tastee Freezes are In My Hood

Y0 Gangsta (Do You Know How to Get to Napa Valley?  I Appear To Be Lost)

I Like Medium-Sized Butts....I Mean, It’s Great if They Have Some Dimension But Let’s Not Get Carried Away, But On The Other Hand It’s No Good When the Legs Just Shoot Straight Up To the Hips and There’s Nothing Else There, I Hate That

Smack My Fax Up

but.. do your tastee freezes bring all the girls to the yard?

Posted by Meredith  on  01/19  at  11:52 AM

OMGosh!  That was perfectly wonderful and witty, lol.  Love the, “I like medium sized butts” I think it could be a big hit, although not as big as “yo gansta”. ‘Cause quite frankly a lot of people get lost going to Napa Valley, so it’s a shoe in for a Grammy. ;0)

Posted by Virenda  on  01/19  at  12:27 PM

You are the Goldie Locks of hip hop (& butt enjoyment).

Posted by cloudy  on  01/19  at  12:27 PM

Not sure if, “Mama said have some milk and cookies” is going to work, not in 2006.  I mean it’s more like, “have some sugar free, gluten free, non-wheaty product cookie and some vanilla soy milk.” Although I hear soy causes cramping in women, so maybe lactose free milk is best.

Posted by Virenda  on  01/19  at  12:30 PM

You left out, “I Have No Street Creds Because My IQ Is Higher Than Room Temperature!”

Posted by  on  01/19  at  12:35 PM

“Smack My Fax Up” is the hit on this list!

Posted by Miss Bliss  on  01/19  at  02:33 PM

And the hits just keep on comin’....

I often sing Smack My Brat Up, but I think I’d prefer the fax version. Plus it might not scare my kids quite so badly.

Posted by Mir  on  01/19  at  03:31 PM

Yes, but where will your DJ pull the samples from when he’s scratchin to back you up?

I’m thinking ABBA.

Posted by Holley  on  01/19  at  04:12 PM

Must. stop. laughing.  Can’t. breathe.

Posted by  on  01/19  at  05:57 PM

Ooooh, girl! ‘Ready 2 Take A Nap’, thass my jam right there!

Posted by DirtyDanSin  on  01/19  at  06:03 PM

greg, you are so down with your corporate bad self.

(are these available on i-tunes?)

Posted by romy  on  01/19  at  07:52 PM

“Y0 Gangsta (Do You Know How to Get to Napa Valley?  I Appear To Be Lost)”

Thank you. I’m wine tasting this weekend, I’ll test this out.

Posted by Pants  on  01/19  at  09:53 PM

This is too funny..I’m with you on the legs that just shoot straight up to the hips..that is quite a disturbing visual image.

Posted by teahouseblossom  on  01/20  at  01:35 AM

Toss it...leave it...you’re there to retrieve it.

Posted by Erik  on  01/20  at  09:41 AM

Seriously, how do people question my lust for your brain?  Brilliant.

Posted by AMG  on  01/20  at  10:10 AM

Can I be in your posse?

Posted by Mignon  on  01/20  at  10:53 AM

with wit like this how can this Bitches and H0s (I Have Neither/Nor) possibly be true?

Posted by snowy  on  01/20  at  11:29 AM

Werd. 

Hilarious.

Smack My Fax Up brought back fond memories of when I was a regular reader of Herbert Kornfeld’s article in the Onion...is he still around?

Though I think Herbert Kornfeld is more of a west coast representin’ guy...less of a raver.

Posted by Sarah  on  01/20  at  08:25 PM

I’ve been listening to a lot of old school on satellite radio lately, and honestly, your rhymes would have a lot more creds (as PapaGoose would say) than some of that hokey Casio keyboard crapola.

(That said, the best old school is still way mad doper than what these kids today listen to)

Posted by EV  on  01/22  at  08:35 PM

I just wanted to complement you on the delivery here; it’s hard to do good comic timing on the internets. But by sending us looping around reading the second-to-last title-that-was-a-paragraph, you lulled us into the strikezone and smacked it out of the park with the short, sharp finish.

Posted by  on  01/23  at  11:28 AM

Additional note: I changed “complement” to “compliment” before the page loaded but apparently it got the information before I changed it. Damn.

(And when typing this, it originally came out “Addictional note.")

Posted by  on  01/23  at  11:29 AM

Stop!  Satire time.

Posted by nikita  on  01/23  at  11:45 AM

Oooooo, good one Nikita.

Posted by Rae  on  01/23  at  01:51 PM