- Okay, Mr. Howard, so I think you know why weve brought you in here today. We’re rounding up the last of the liberals and depositing them in special internment camps so they can’t do any more damage to the rest of the country. It’s been a long, slow process--with highlights that include the Reaganization of America in the ‘80s, the Republicans taking back congress in 1994, W. Bush’s re-election, and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist creating a genetically engineered army of super clones--but America is now almost entirely conservative. Except for a few hold outs. We hadn’t noticed you up until now, but you’ve been identified as one of the last liberals and you’ll have to go the internment camp.
- I had been so good about keeping a low profile. I shouldn’t have been laughing so loud at that bootlegged copy of The Daily Show--one of my neighbors heard me and turned me in.
- Those neighbors are patriots.
- I’m not entirely liberal, you know.
- Really?
- Sure. I have lots of non-liberal ideas.
- Tell us about them, Mr. Howard.
- Well, for example, I?m not all that big on centralized health care. I hate hospitals--they all smell like antiseptic and medicine. I figure if we have centralized health care, the whole country will smell like one big hospital.
- Well, uh, that’s an interesting political position, but--
- And then there’s welfare. I’m in favor of some kind of social safety net, but I’m in favor of aggressive policies that get people off the rolls quickly and back into the labor market. That’s why I think all welfare recipients should get an alarm clock.
- An alarm clock?
- Sure. The only reason to be on welfare is to sleep in, so if you give everyone an alarm clock and force them to wake up, they’ll be back at a job before you know it.
- Isn’t that kind of a simplistic solution to a complex problem? What about single mothers?
- Oh, give the kids an alarm clock too. They need to go to school.
- Well, now, that’s--
- And although I’m against a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, I am in favor of an amendment that says we don’t have to buy presents for gay couples. Or straight couples. In fact, I’m in favor of a constitutional amendment that says couples have to buy presents for single people for a change. I could use a nice crystal gravy boat.
- Mr. Howard, despite the conservative views you’ve just espoused, you are clearly still a bleeding-heart liberal. Your sentence is unchanged. You’re going to the internment camps immediately.
- Damn it. Well, please, just tell me I have a decent roommate. A lot of my fellow liberals annoy the living spit out of me.
- I’m afraid in one bunk it’s Ben Affleck--
- What?
- --and in the other, it’s the Indigo Girls.
- DEAR GOD. Listen...did I mention that I think supply-side economics is just...swell?
you are a funny, funny boy.
all the girls in one bunk? really, how bad could that be? i’m just saying.
There’s a resemblance here to the Nazis rounding up the Jews. I’d be laughing if I thought your scenario was impossible.
*weeps softly*
I would TOTALLY buy you a crystal gravy boat.
i didn’t know you ate that much gravy in the first place…
but on the good side - there will be lots and lots of yoginis ready to turn you into pretzel....
Now I KNOW you’re a liberal. School?!! You want to send children to SCHOOL? Let those little buggers work for a living. That’s what my grandparents did and they turned out fine.
Me- I played and went to school and I am now a slack-ass liberal whiner that sits on the couch all day eating boat-loads of gravy.
I did a double take there. Here in Australia, our PM is called John Howard, and he is, in fact, a Liberal. This term is a little misleading, however, as the Liberal party is conservative. They are the equivalent (sort of) of the Republicans, and like them just gained a majority in both houses of parliament. Depressing.
I had a moment of sheer delight as I imagined Mr. Howard and the rest of the Liberals being rounded up and locked away in the ‘detention centres’ where they currently hold many refugees.
was it on west wing that a lobbyist proposed an amendment banning ALL marriage? i think it was. and does your gravy boat have to be crystal? would you settle for a nice earthenware? how about a crock pot? (everybody gets a crock pot as a wedding present. chris and i got 3.)
say hi to emily and amy for me.
and they’ll be playing Will & Grace reruns perpetually on the TV. punishment for my liberal crimes.
I think I’m gonna get in trouble because I look better in red neckties.
You’re not paranoid if they really are after you…
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
That is just mean.
Sorry.
I’m a hopeless smart ass most of the time.
And by that I don’t mean I’m without hope, just that
Oh hell you know what I mean.
on a tangentially-related note, you know who resigned his cabinet post today?
take a guess.