On Friday I had some things to celebrate so the other Greg and I went to see Transporter 2. For a while, we thought we might be the only people in the theater--but at the last moment three other people trickled in. That’s okay. Let’s do a rundown of the times I’ve had the entire theater to myself:
The year: 1986. The movie: Short Circuit with my friend Donovan. Actions taken: None. Sat and watched the movie.
The year: 2000. The movie: Godzilla 2000 with, well...I was bored that day, okay? Actions taken: None. Sat and watched the movie.
The point is, I didn’t do anything special. It’s not like a private screening where you get interviewed afterwards by Jules Asner, although that would be cool because then you’d have a chance to punch her in the face.
If you’re interested in your own private screening, just look for the common thread that unites Short Circuit, Godzilla 2000, and Transporter 2. Give up? NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT TO GO SEE THEM. So off you go to enjoy the new Rob Schneider movie without other people ruining your cinema experience.
On Friday my friend Frank came over for turkey burgers. I said to my barbeque, “Let’s go, dude.” My barbeque said, “Hello, check out the THICK LAYER OF DUST, Microwave Boy. I’m not cooking squat for you.” So I rammed some charcoal down its throat and it eventually coughed up some slabs of meat.
Frank said to me, “You should post more pictures of your niece on your web site.” I have no idea what she said this; Frank isn’t a breeder yet and doesn’t seem inclined to be impressed by baby pictures. But perhaps she just has good taste in nieces. Or maybe she feels guilty because she’s kicking my ass in online Scrabble (sample word from me: THE sample word from Frank: QUIXOTIC) Anyway, her comments were fortuitous because on Sunday, my brother sent new pictures of Cameron, including this one:
Which provoked the following email exchange:
- OMG I love the pic of her with the big fuzzy animal.
- Greg, that’s a goat.
- Oh, so you’re Marlin Perkins now?
What the hell do I know? It sort of looks like a Heffalump, and besides it’s eating her hand and I think that’s first order of concern anyway.
Also on Sunday I sent out an Evite for my October party in which some friends come over and we watch horror movies. That’s right--we’re going to watch the entire C-Span proceedings of the John Roberts confirmation hearings. HA! That’s comedy you can take to the bank. No, it’s actually Sleepaway Camp and some others. If you didn’t receive an Evite, it’s because I already know you hate horror movies or you live too far away or I have no idea who you are. But you can still come over as long as you have some semblance of personal hygiene and you don’t give away the twist ending to Sleepaway Camp because people like you made The Sixth Sense--as well as the 2000 Presidential elections--a miserable experience for everyone.
Mine’s the first comment! yay!
I was the only person in the theatre for “little women”. Fun times.
I love Sleepaway Camp!!!!! I think I first saw it when I was in middle school. ‘84 or so. It has a frikin’ awesome scene in it. My girlfriends and I paused it a hundred times. If you can tell what scene i’m thinking of email me. And if you’re joking about watching the movie then I feel like such a turd for getting so excited.
1. That’s a cute picture of your niece. Nieces are good.
2. I didn’t get my evite. I’m in the bay area 1 out of 3 weekends these days. You never know. Keep in mind that October 1, Neil Gaiman will be signing books in Pasadena so count me out. Othewise, where’s my evite?
3. Please pick better movies.
Okay, Short Circuit was an awesome movie. What are you trying to say here? And what could possibly be wrong with The Transporter 2? It is Jason Statham. In a tuxedo. Beating people up (be still my heart). Okay, since you are a guy, he probably doesn’t have the same effect on you.
Love the pic of your niece and that you referenced Marlon Perkins. The occasional Marlon Perkins joke is few and far between. It is very sad.
I promise to wear extra deodorant and bring Twizzlers.
that was a supremely awesome post for many reasons…
1) jules asner has such a punchable face.
2) that goat should be feared by all
3) you are pretty and smell nice and that comes through in your writing. duh.
Ishtar was it’s name. sleeping through it was my game.
you have my sympathies on your moviegoing experience.
I say Cry Baby in the theater. Yes, Johnny Depp pulled me in even then. The theatre had 8 screens, one of which was smaller and in a smaller room that they rented out for birthday parties and also apparently showed all the really bad movies on that screen.
Oddly enough though, were weren’t alone. There were several packs of jr high & young high school girls at the 3pm Saturday showing....
Johnny5 is alive.
NO DISASSEMBLE!
malfunction!
Stop that!
The last movie I saw in an empty theater was…
The Year: 1984. The movie: Ghostbusters with my family. Actions taken: cartwheels down the aisle as the credits ran.
I seem to have not received an Evite, which is just as well because I think that my imaginary husband and I have plans that day with our imaginary baby.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in the dark by myself and watched a flick - I live in the freaking boondocks. It’s kind of cool though - to be able to yell rude comments at the big screen and pick popcorn hulls out of your teeth with impunity.
I hate horror movies and I don’t live near you but I still feel left out for not being invited. I’ll get over it...one day.
If “Short Godzilla Transporter” would have an Audi A8 W12 in it, I’d go see it just for the car!
Number 5 is Alive!
That movie totally cracked me up.
Dude, I only suggested posting pix of Cameron so you wouldn’t notice that I am black-hearted, baby-hating monster. Plus, as human babies go, she’s pretty cute.
And stop exaggerating about our Scrabble game. You are only 115 points behind.
that is the cutest niece’s-hand-being-eaten-by-goat picture ever posted anywhere.
and i lose a lot of online scrabble, too. losing makes you learn to be a better strategist.
what? it does. just wait for your next game.
btw, what kind of parents are you bro/sis-in-law?! letting a wild animal eat their child one finger at a time?!?!
i’m outraged. harumph.
I fall into all three of those qualifications for not receiving an Evite. I hate horror movies, live far away, and you don’t know me.
My friend Nick says Sleepaway Camp is his all-time favorite movie. He spent about an hour extolling its virtues to me once. I haven’t ever seen it myself, but I feel like I have. I also know the twist ending.
AND! Short Circuit rocks. It’s the pre-cursor to Batteries Not Included.
I have never commented on here before but I’ve been a reader for awhile and I just wanted to say: I freaking love your website. Thats all.
PS I loved Short Circuit.