People tell me that they’re drawn to religion so they can think of something larger than themselves. It’s a line of reasoning I can never understand. If I want to encounter something larger than myself, I just have to go to the movies. Some bozo is always in the seat in front of me, forcing me to watch his head in widescreen instead of letting me see Uma Thurman kill Bill.
I want to tap them on the shoulder and suggest that they curl up into a fetal position for a few hours, or simply migrate to the designated “Big Head” section of the theater (as mandated by the Surgeon General), but I never do because what if everyone is right and this person who is larger than myself is, in fact, God? He’d be all, “Back it up homes or I’ll turn you into a pillar of salt or something.” And I’d be all, “What are you doing at a Tarantino flick anyway? Shouldn’t You be watching The Passion?” And He’d be all, “Right, dawg, like I need to see some crazy actor try to recreate My home movies. Besides, I’ve been finetuning the Cosmic Plan all day and the last thing I feel like doing is reading a bunch of subtitles.”
Somehow I know this, somewhere deep inside me a little voice is calling out and tell me that, should God head out to the local Cinema, he’d totally be all about “13 Going on 30”. He’s a big Garner fan.
All I can think of is that scene from Austin Powers when Dr. Evil is playing the piano and singing “What If God Was One of Us.”
God is so street. Yo.
God calls people “dog”?
There’s a dyslexic joke in there somewhere.
What’s that lame phrase? Oh yeah, you’re too cool for school, Greg.
you think He needs subtitles?
Oh, dear. That’s not God, it’s my husband. Six foot five, off the chart for hat size, not a deity at all.
He’s got nice hair, though.
That was frightening...It’s like god is a homey but then he slips and says ‘homes’ instead of ‘holmes’, I realize he really is ‘just one of us’ and so I slit his throat. Breathtaking man-on-god action.
That same thing happened to me this weekend when I went to see Kill Bill. Except the tall oaf in front of me smelled like burnt underwear.
“Holmes” was a famous fictional detective; the slang is “homes,” short for “homeboy.” Both terms being painfully archaic at this point.
Find a ‘theater near you’ with stadium seating - no more Big Head Problem. Plus that’s probably where God is, because the viewing is so much better.
greg, i’m so glad you can explain the etymology of street-slang.
i bet you’re glad, too.