I had a crummy day yesterday. Unfortunately, I don’t allow myself to write publicly about
How do I fill up countless HTML pages with these restrictions? Simple. Whenever I need to vent, I find some ridiculously inconsequential aspect of pop culture and make fun of it. It always makes me feel better.
Today’s exhibit: the first publicity still featuring unknown actor Brandon Routh as the title character in next year’s summer blockbuster, Superman Returns:
Let’s apply the full brunt of my knowledge of Superman lore to this regrettable image.
1. First of all, Superman does not have a “S” symbol on his belt. Do you know why? BECAUSE THE “S” ON HIS CHEST AND THE RED CAPE TEND TO GET THE IDEA ACROSS. Lex Luthor does not say “Now let’s see, you are...hmm...let me think...Oh! I see the ‘S’ on your belt buckle. You’re my arch enemy!” Why not just give the guy a name tag that says “Hello, I am the Last Son of Krypton”?
2. The character’s bright, primary red and blue colors have been noticeably darkened and muted. This is, apparently, an attempt to update the character and make him more acceptable to a modern audience. Newsflash: IT’S A GUY WITH A CAPE. You either go all the way on this sort of thing or you’re screwed. Lose the dark colors and get back to the Sunday comics. What next, a red and blue tuxedo?
3. The “S” on the chest is now a raised, three-dimensional shield rather than an emblem. It looks like some loser bought a commemorative Superman plate off eBay and pasted it on his shirt.
4. Look, I was in favor of hiring an unknown for this part. I mean, I don’t want to see Ashton Kutcher changing my oil, much less playing Superman. But I don’t like the look of this Brandon schlub. He doesn’t have charisma. Now, Chris Reeves, he commanded respect. You’d be all,
“Hey, Chris, anyone tell you that you’re dressed like a total--”
(Reeves SILENCES you with steely yet confident gaze)
“---uh....so, you get your powers from Earth’s yellow sun, eh?”
But this guy doesn’t look remotely interesting. (And keep in mind that this isn’t a candid shot; he had time to prepare for this.) He’s gazing intently into the distance, and it looks like he’s thinking:
“Now, that’s a nice chick walking over there. Sure, she’s a bit of a townie with the big poofy hair and pasted-on nails, but she’s got it going on. As long as she isn’t a butter face. I hope she doesn’t turn around and see that my underoos are riding up in back. Or, y’know, that I’m wearing a dumb looking monkey suit.”
Whew. I feel a little better now that I’ve expended my meaningless rage on a meaningless target. I think I’ll go doorbell ditch my neighbors.
you forgot to mention the low rise speedos. what is up with that?
i’m reserving judgement on the poor fellow and his ability to save us from evil till the movie comes out but damn, that maroon has to go. that’s just wrong. i feel very strongly about this. i say we start a petition.
oh, also, i meant to say this first but i got distracted by all the ugly, sorry you had a crummy day yesterday. i hope today makes up for it.
Don’t you just love the codpiece, though?
And I join Patricia in condolences about yesterday and hoping today is better
having been in crummy work-related space for about THE PAST SIX WEEKS, i offer moral support. and also? total admiration. even after a lousy day of whatever, your cleverness inspires me and you make me giggle. thanks for that.
by the way i will totally change computers all over my department this morning and click on your little ads from each one.
He totally looks like he’s practicing the Joey Tribiani School of Acting “Smell the Fart” method.
Aw, I think he’s kind of cute.
What have they done to Lex Luthor though?
I think his look conveys more of “Was that a fart or diarrhea?”
This is a major issue when you’re running around in your underwear.
Kevin Spacey is Lex Luthor, which I have no problem with.
I’d rather Jim Norton had Lex’s part… Gosh that sounded dirty…
Will you be updating your own site logo to add a “G” to your beltline?
The “S” on the belt helps when it gets separated from the rest of the suit at the dry cleaners. The tag on his little, red underoos has the same thing. Actually it originally had “Clark Kent,” which is how his laundry guy found out his secret identity and why now can’t switch to another one even though his shorts and suit totally came back the wrong color last time. Mystery solved.
I want to know what’s up in your work or personal life. What makes you harsh so hard on the new superish guy?
You know who else is having a crummy day? Dean Cain.
[rant begins]
What’s with these youngsters… They clearly don’t know how to act anymore. Christopher Reed - in spite of having more neck than head - had facial expressions. This guy (just like the little man who played Frodo) confuses “facial expressions” and “acting” with “I’ll wrinkle my forehead, because that makes me look like I’m sad/thoughtful/in distress/longing/clever/a mighty superhero”. Sigh… Roger More and Sean Connery could act more with a single eyebrow than these boys do with their entire bodies.
[rant ends]
Hope you’ll have a better day today.
I couldn’t agree more with all of your observations, especially the muted colors, damn it. He looks like he just nose dived into a mud puddle or pile of poo.
I had a crappy day today.
My solution: Coronas, aplenty, along with Geese
I feel much better now.
I hope your day is better today. The S is on the belt also because what parent is going to shellout $50 for a crappy plastic yellow belt. Now a belt with an S… well, we’ve GOT to shell out for that because, copyright infringement ya know.
Is today any better for you, Greg? I hope so. I had a thoroughly poop-encrusted crappy day yesterday, and I dealt with it by calling my mother and asking her, sex-phone-style, to compliment me the way I like it. “You’re a good person,” she said. “You have many fine qualities...” and then she proceeded to list them. It helped a lot.
He’s not thinking about poo, he’s fighting back tears, I’m sure.
C’mon. It’s hard to find a guy who can wear the Super suit and not look gay. This is Hollywood’s interpretation of Not-Gay. As usual, they are so far from achieving this, that the image will forever more be used as an icon for “GAY.”
What are the odds that Brandon is a) a regular guy, and b) can act?
The man has no bulge. NO BULGE!
With a codpiece, you would expect to at least see some evidence of a ....well piece.
kevin spacey is the PERFECT lex luthor. that man could make the life story of a banana slug worth watching - in the uncut director’s version. at least they made one good decision. and who knows, maybe this kid will surprise.
and while we’re piling on ... he meant to put his fists on his hips and MISSED HIS LEFT HIP WITH HIS FIST. seriously, he’s about to punch himself in his teeny little peenie.
also, those colors make him look like he just went swimming in sewage.
[manly back-thump about the bad day.]
i’m sure that was a very engaging and clever little entry, but i got so hung up on why your google ad sense ads are pimping rudolph the red-nosed reindeer figurines in May that i couldn’t read it.
Yeah, I too wish you would spill a little from personal files more often. The gym helps, but this arena is totally free therapy.
BATMAN RETURNS!!!
Making dumb jokes is my version of free therapy.
The fact that I have no idea who that kid is must mean that I am officially old. I don’t recognize more than half of ELLEgirl’s 50 hottest dudes, either. OLD. Old old old old old old old. Decrepit.