I was very interested to see that Jennifer Garner does a recruiting pitch on the CIA’s official employment site. If you’re anything like me, you trust Jennifer as a subject matter expert and have been impressed with her careful and strategic approach to field work in the service of our country. And you probably want to know what she has to say to prospective young recruits.
But you probably don’t want to wait for a long, clunky video to load and play. Therefore, I’ve decided to help out by providing a transcript below:
“I’m Jennifer Garner. I play a CIA officer on the ABC TV series Alias. In the real world, the CIA serves as our country’s first line of defense in the ongoing war against international terrorism. Right now, the CIA has important, exciting jobs for US citizens.
The only part about the job that kind of sucks is wearing all those wigs. And the skintight outfits. They ride up in back, and sometimes get in the way of completing the mission. Travel is a bit rough too; sometimes you have to jet around the world in a manner of minutes, and that creates some serious jet lag.
However, I’m here to tell you that the whole bit about CIA life ruining personal relationships is a complete myth. Take me, for example. I’ve been able to rebuild my relationship my distant father, and although I had a rocky start with my mother--who was a double agent and Russian assassin--we’re doing pretty well now.
Of course, my first fiancee was killed by a clandestine terrorist organization and my second fiancee also appears to be a double agent, but hey, that could happen in any job.
So by all means: Join the CIA and be just like me. Unless you’re fat, old, or ugly, in which case we don’t want you. The FBI might, though. You might want to touch bases with Gillian Anderson on that.”
Big ears are important too, for listening to secret stuff!
Awww ... I LIKED Gillian Anderson.
Yeah dude… don’t dis Scully
Mmmmmmmmmmm. Jennifer Garner.
I wasn’t saying Scully was fat or ugly! I was just saying that if Jennifer is qualified to speak for the CIA, Gillian is qualified to speak for the FBI. Look, shut up.
I am so tempted to post this on some X-Files fansites somewhere. You’d be burning in effigy by sundown.
Also, it should be noted that to join the CIA, you need to have a very hot long-lost Latino step-sister who ruins the entire plot of your life.
Gillian Anderson is weeping into her navel piercing right now over your insensitivity. I’m sure of it.
She’s also visited a voodoo high priestess to ensure that Jennifer’s baby is born with bad hairplugs.
Gillian Anderson can kick Jen’s ass anyday. And she had good hair!
from now on whenever I think of jen garner i will think of this and, probably, reach for the butter. poppin’ fresh indeed. no wonder so many cia recruits freak out and shoot up movie sets.
You were totally dissing (sp?) Gillian Anderson - at least she doesn’t cry every 5 minutes!
oh man. the geek stink is just overpowering.
seriously. and usually jimbo can hang with it.
You guys have read this site before, right?
People, I believe Greg typed Gillian Anderson while thinking Louie Anderson, the fat,old and ugly (yet avuncular!) host of Family Feud. Hence the confusion. I haven’t been online to visit this site in awhile, but I remember he used to make that exact mistake 3-5 times per post. You just get used to it.
i tried to say “heh” a couple hours ago, and my comment wouldn’t post ...
just when i thought it was safe to go monosyllabic.
geekiness good.
Gillian is totally attractive. Jennifer Garner looks like a man.
Aw, c’mon, she may have a mannish jawbone, but those dimples are lethal. Get them in the same room as Hugo Chavez and the mission outlined by Director Robertson would be accomplished.
eeewww Jennifer Garner
(and not because I’m jealous, damn it)
aw, c’mon. i think greg was only channeling jennifer and doesn’t really, really think gillian whatsherdoof is ugly or fat.
however, i think he’s completely against cute, cherub babies and small furry puppies.
“drown ‘em all! take ‘em to the river and put ‘em in sacks with twist ties! the heavy duty river-resistant kind!”—i heard him say the other day.
ooooooer. greg-so-evil.
“i’m not a CIA agent, but i play one on TV”.
My husband has a ‘list’ and Jen’s on it. She is a cutie. Not sure how I feel about her being pregnant and kicking arss in this next season.