VOICE OVER: This is Jack Bauer...and this is the longest day of my life. Well, except maybe for those last few days aboard the Mayflower when we ran out of food and we threw the bodies overboard and ate each other. That was pretty bad. And then there was our first Thanksgiving at Plymouth Plantation, where we not only starved and froze but also no one even bothered to bring any cranberry sauce. That really sucked.
WILLIAM BRADFORD: Jack Bauer! I have need to speak with ye!
JACK (putting a piece of driftwood to his ear): Yes, Mr. Governor?
BRADFORD: Jack, what in the name of our Father are you doing with that wood to your ear? I’m standing right in front of ye.
(Jack puts the driftwood down sheepishly.)
JACK: Uh...right. Sorry. You wanted to see me, Mr. Governor?
BRADFORD: Yea, verily, Plymouth Plantation is under an Indianist attack.
JACK: Damn it!
BRADFORD: Blasphemy!
JACK: I mean...Golly!
BRADFORD: Yea, verily! We do not have specific information, but we believe it is those savages, those of the Indian folk!
JACK: I’ll get to the bottom of it, Mr. Governor.
BRADFORD: Yea, verily! For we cry unto the Lord, and he hears our voice, and looks on our adversity, etc. Yea, let them which have been redeemed of the Lord, show how he hath delivered them from the hand of the oppressor. Let them confess before the Lord his loving kindness, and his wonderful works before the sons of men--
JACK: Mr. Governor, please shut up.
BRADFORD: Sorry. Anyway, get on the Indianist thing, will you?
JACK: I’ll pay a visit to Christians Take Umbrage immediately.
(Jack goes to visit the headquarters of C.T.U.)
JACK: Chloe, what do you have?
CHLOE: You dare to use my Christian name, sirrah?
JACK: Chloe, dammit, we have no time.
CHLOE: Okay, whatever. We don’t know the nature of the Indianist attacks, but there’s an Indian right over there so maybe you should go torture him and find out what’s the what.
JACK: An Indian penetrated C.T.U. headquarters? There must be a mole!
CHLOE: What mole? What headquarters? We’re all standing underneath an oak tree.
(Jack goes and tackles the Indian.)
JACK: Speak! Are you the evil kind of Indian, or the nice kind who tells us how to grow corn?
INDIAN: It’s called “maize,” you assclown.
(Jack tortures the Indian.)
INDIAN: Okay, okay, call it corn! Whatever!
JACK: That’s not what I want to know!
(Torture torture torture)
INDIAN: Okay, okay! We have six smallpox-infested blankets strategically placed around Plymouth Plantation. You’ll never get to them in time!
JACK: Damn it!
INDIAN: Blasphemy!
JACK: I must go save my nubile young daughter Kim!
(Jack goes and visits his nubile young daughter Kim, who is having sex with a young pilgrim.)
JACK: Kim! You’ve got to find safety before you’re infected by the Indian-planted smallpox-infested blankets!
KIM: Look Dad. Don’t you think that you’re just trying to derive mindless suspense and entertainment out of the vilification of the so-called “Indianists”? That you’re just getting off on the fear and paranoia that we Puritans have of an entire culture of Native Americans, only a small minority of which wish to do us harm? And of those who do wish us harm, none of them have actually managed to pull anything off like plant contagious blankets in the middle of Plymouth Plantation? And that showing them doing so merely heightens the fear and suspicion of ordinary Indians who merely wish to live a peaceful life among us? That your whole life is founded on the ludicrous fantasies of a largely discredited right-wing administration?
JACK: ....
KIM: ....
JACK: Dammit, Kim!
KIM: ...right. Forget I said anything.
1:00 PM BRR CLICK WHIRR CLICK WHIRR
NEXT ON 1624!
JACK: (torturing another Indian) Dammit! Tell me where the smallpox-infested blankets are!
INDIAN: Well, let me put it this way. You know how you sneezed just now and wiped your nose on that wool thing over there?
“(Torture torture torture)”
- I LOVE THAT. How sick am I?
Hilarious!
Stinging irony, Greg! Love your blog…
This is one of those...what’dya call it...allegories, isn’t it?
This is entirely plausible excpet for the part where Kim says someting smart.
HARUMPH! where was the “spoiler alert\” on this post? huh? now this episode of 1624 is all ruined for me. thanks.
I KNEW I should have returned that call from my agent. That bastard Lou Diamond Phillips gets all the cherry Indian roles! Hmm, I wonder if A. Martinez is sick or something.
You’re funny.
A few more in this trend of really excellent posts, and you’ll raise the bar for all of us. No one wants that, Greg.
and where, pray tell, did jack bury the heart?
Thy hand is heavy. (But that’s kind of hot, now that I think about it...)
could you do this again, but make the characters Muppets? I’d blow snot if Jack was Kermit.
Needed more musket shots to the thigh, but otherwise, very nicely done.
Thanks Greg. I needed Dr. Pepper to come out of my nose this morning.
You forgot the part where Jack finds out that the Indian is really his brother who’s been plotting to kill him, and Kim is married to the head of Indian C.T.U.