I always sit down with my company’s new salespeople and walk them through our collateral, web site, and public relations material. A lot of what I do with my time is create tools to help them close business, and I always want to make sure they understand the resources they have available. That’s what I was doing this morning with one of our newest hires.
I said, “Now, here’s a brochure that you’d probably only want to use with prospects who need--”
“Are you the Optimizer?” she asked.
I blinked. “What?”
She repeated, “Are you the Optimizer? I was hoping I’d find the person in the company who’s the Optimizer.”
“Well, I suppose I’ve probably used the word at some point, but...well, for example, we recently resigned the web site so that it’s more efficient at generating leads for the sales team. I also work with a vendor to make minor adjustments to the copy in order to score higher in search engine rankings, which is our search engine optimization project--”
She said excitedly, “Exactly! It’s you! You’re the Optimizer!”
And all I could think of was that it’s nice that someone besides myself has finally realized that I deserve my own superhero code name, but did it have to be that one? Because that would be the most boring comic book ever.
Are you the key master?
I always thought you would look good in Spandex.
It may be a boring name but you’d be the most efficient superhero. Surely that’s enough for you…
“Superman? Pah, he always uses the same techniques, that’s why it takes him 6 pages to get rid of the bad guy in issue 314… me, I did it in 2...”
Next time, politely inform her that you prefer to be called the Geesinator.
10 years of building the better mouse trap with my company and I have never been called The Optimizer. Corporate Condom: yes. Optimizer: No. Envy… Rising!
ARGHHH! NOOOOoooooooooo.....
Boring? Are you kidding me? Do you know how badly I needed the Optimizer last weekend when I was cleaning out my linen closet? I’m sure he could have helped me fit at least 3 more sets of towels into that same amount of space.
And I really could have used his trusty sidekick, the Swiffer, as well.
I’d worry that the big “O” on your chest may make people think you’re Zero man.
or fantastic Orgasm man...now that’s a super hero I can get on bored with...well..as long as he provided them and didn’t only, give himself...um, nevermind.
I think with your new laser-powered eyes, the possibilities are limitless. You could ostensibly Optimize EVERYTHING. Never fill your gas tank again, because you’ve OPTIMIZED your car’s fuel efficiency! Never want for the latest tech toys or whatever is your heart’s desire, because you’ve OPTIMIZED your paycheck! OPTIMIZE your job description so that it consists of idle internet play and Buffy reruns. OPTIMIZE your brain! OPTIMIZE your compassion! OPTIMIZE your sexual prowess (although I’m sure that wouldn’t be much of a change)! You could be the greatest superhero since the ULTRA-COLLATOR!!!
And Jon is right--"company condom” has a significant “ick” factor. He deserves better, as well.
Jenny, may I introduce you to The Space Bag. (Should open in new window) I swear I don’t watch that much television...it’s just always on when I turn on the TV, dammit!
And Jennifer, ne’er once did “the big ‘O’” make me think of zero.
Oh, and by the way Greg, did you throw a resignation party for that web site?
...but it *doesn’t* open in a new window. Same thing happens on blogger comment pages. Sorry.
I think the new window would have worked with an underscore.... i.e. “_blank”
try ‘Zeeeeee Ohpteemizah’
Ah-ha. Thanks.
Was she hot?
Melly’s right.
You ARE the best writer on The Internet.
And I’m not just agreeing with her because we made out in the back of a cab!
...I am still not sure if this is a good or a bad thing…
no, the most boring comic ever is “super ironing man!”