Ever notice how some people shout “Hold the elevator!” through a bullhorn and then run the equivalent of a football field while you stand there, holding the door and growing your beard? By the time they arrive, the elevator could have floated up twenty stories and gently come back again. These people don’t understand the concept of an elevator: it’s not a one-time thing and then you’re screwed. They don’t even run hourly. They go up and down whenever you push the button. That’s why they call them elevators. God bless!
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I saw two trailers for two new Dakota Fanning movies, and it seems to me that she looks exactly the same as she did in Man on Fire a few years back. Is it possible that she has whatever Gary Coleman has that doesn’t let him grow taller? Looking at Gary Coleman is like looking at a hot dog, doing a double take, and realizing it’s not just a hot dog but one that exploded in the microwave. I think Fanning could end up having that same exploded-skull look in about twenty years. I hope she’s spending her money wisely, because I see “security guard” in her future.
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Washington has been up in arms over Harriet Miers’s lack of qualifications to be a Supreme Court justice, but it turns out that it was all a misunderstanding: Bush never meant to offer her as a nominee. He was simply saying that she’d do a really good job serving on a jury. What a relief for everyone involved!
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Every year around this time, the controversy over slutty Halloween costumes rears up again. And it’s true that a lot of people use Halloween as an excuse to wear slutty outfits. After all, the pagans in the Old Country didn’t invent All Hallow’s Eve so they could scare away the spirits by dressing up as Naughty Nurse Nora; they created fake blood out of the juice of raspberries and fake intestines out of ground beef and some of them also had some excellent Borg outfits. The point is, I think wearing slutty Halloween costumes is only bad if you’re too afraid to dress slutty the rest of the year, and so you’re using the holiday as an excuse and giving yourself an escape route if people don’t like it: “Oh, it’s just for Halloween.” That’s dishonest, and therefore wrong. Ask yourself these questions:
If you’re unclear where you fall on this spectrum, just email me a jpeg of you and your costume. I can tell a lot by body language and nuance so I’ll be able to tell you if it’s the right costume for you--or if you should just go as Hermione again. No, thank you.
Posted by Greg at 05:00 AM. Filed under:
(18) Comments • (1) Trackbacks • Permalink
hey, i’m going as hermione!
i’m not very comfortable with being a slut, but maybe i’ll take your advice and start making more excuses to try to unleash the inner ho-bag.
thank you greg! you’ve changed my life! =)
I’m going with sexy, not slutty. It’s a fine line but one I will walk in the name of a decent Halloween costume.
I plan to wear a multicolored feather wig, which is not slutty, per se, just weird. And since weird is sort of my thing, anyway, I think I’m in the clear.
I am totally going to dream about holding the elevator for Dakota Fanning tonight.
Personally, I’m using Halloween as an excuse to go as Dumpy Prostitute.
Me going as Hermione would not involve much dressing up… as I sit here I’m wearing pretty much what she wore at the end of “Prisoner of Azkaban”. Only my hoodie is black, not pink.
Alas, nobody has invited me to any parties so I’ll most likely be spending Hallowe’en as Me. Which won’t be very slutty.
I’m going to a Halloween party dressed in prisoner’s stripes. I’m going to be a Congressman.
(not Congressperson because I can’t find any female members of congress who’ve been convicted of felonies)
I applaud this website’s sense of civic duty and public service. But you have to share the pics.
I always learn something when I come to Geese Aplenty. For instance, I had no idea about the Borg thing.
Do you also want to see a jpeg of me in my assless chaps?
Yeah, you really didn’t think this through, didja?
Oh, but I did. CW jpeg + my Interweb site = much comedy for me and all six of my readers.
Since nobody else said it: Greg, you are f*@&#xin;g funny.
Last year I saw Gary Coleman in a women’s shoe store. And before you give me that “you’re-just-a-racist-who-thinks-all-black-people-look-alike” I assure you it was him. I would recognize that little pug nose anywhere.
I am the opposite with the elevator, I hope to god they don’t hold it for me because I hate riding with other people (social phobia).
Dakota Fanning is the best actress ever! Or so says Kurt Russell, he said she reminds him of Goldie. awww. More like E.T.
We are having a TV themed Halloween costume party this year. I hope I see a lot of chicks dressed up as Chrissy Snow or Farrah Faucet!
dude the elevator runs more than once an hour ??? i didn’t get that memo.
also? i think you’ve just given me my halloween costume idea. i’ll go as a slutty borg. oh wait, it’s been done. so i’ll just go as seven of nine.
I’ll be going as the Queen of the Universe. It’s not very slutty, however. Maybe I should work on that.
I’m actually slutty all year long. So Halloween is my excuse to be demure. This year I’m going as a librarian.
And with the elevator thing, why do people do it most often at the airport? Like not getting on the elevator right that very damn second is tantamount to MISSING YOUR PLANE. I always close the doors on them.
The year that Harry Potter first became popular, a little boy came trick-or-treating dressed as him, or close as he could get with homemade stuff. This was at my dad’s. The kid basically had horn-rimmed glasses, a cape, and a scarf (and possibly the lightning-bolt painted on his head, I’m not sure). Anyway, my dad regards him for a minute, then as he gives him candy says, “And who are you...Smart Dracula?”
I have a neighbor who dresses each year as “Catwoman,” in a leather cat suit. She has a great body and can pull it off magnificently. Wearing the suit, I mean. I don’t mean she pulls off the suit.
Anyway, nobody likes her but not because of this. In fact everyone refers to the whole family as “the obnoxious family.” Fortunately they are moving soon.
I’d like the picture of CW in chaps.