I posted a while back about talking to a guy who got aroused during a spa massage, and ever since this site has been deluged with search terms like “guys getting aroused during massages.” This is clearly a national epidemic, and it also confirms my suspicion that it’s really no big deal--it proves that professional masseuses are used to seeing this and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. They probably feel bad when guys don’t get aroused. “Was I too forceful? Was I too timid? Should I not have asked if this was like the ones he used to receive from his mother?”
It also makes me realize that man, a lot of guys are pretty much sluts. A little hand-to-skin friction and they’re ready to raise the roof beam, carpenter? I don’t want to ride in a crowded elevator with that demographic.
But it worries me that there’s guys who won’t get a massage because of this phobia, so I thought I’d offer up some tips on how not to be aroused during a massage. Mind you, I have no experience with this whatsoever. I don’t get aroused during massages because I’m too busy thinking things like “My butt is very very close to complete exposure, and it’s big and white like a spinning disco ball and it might accidentally cause planes to land.” This sort of mental digression holds my libido in check just as surely as if I had stumbled upon a skinny dipping Antonin Scalia.
Regardless, a lack of subject matter expertise has never stopped me from offering up unsolicited advice. So here are my tips:
I hope that helps all the Google searchers. Unfortunately, another major search term for this site--and I am not making this up--is “sex with geese,” but you will forgive me if I am not in the frame of mind, now or ever, to provide guidance on that particular topic.
At Falafelsex, our most frequent visitor search is “Disney Sex.” I try not to dwell on it.
I never knew that “raise the roof beam carpenter” meant that! Learn something new every day.
you get massaged to new wave? i suppose that new age music would keep my scene in check. now, no wave on the other hand...roofbeam...raised!
That was actually pretty funny Ho.
Sex with geese? Really. I can’t even imagine how geese have sex with other geese, and I grew up on farm… but to intermix? Well now that’s going to be stuck in my head all day.
I will not either forgive you if you do not provide guidance on sex with geese.
Dammit! I’ve been reading this blog for, like, six years and now you tell me you’re never going to reveal your “sex with geese” secrets?
Also, for Google’s sake:
sex with geese
sex with geese
sex with geese
Why would he give up the secrets for free when his instructional video is coming out next month?
When I’m in that situation, I use the tired-and-true method that has served me well for damn near a decade.
I just picture Madeline Albright and Janet Reno performing the massage.
Voila! No wood for hours.
-- david
Heh. New wave.
“My butt is very very close to complete exposure, and it’s big and white like a spinning disco ball and it might accidentally cause planes to land.”
That’s beautiful. (wipes tear from eye)