I was surfing the Internet Movie Database the other day, and the front page mentioned that it was Dolph Lundgren’s birthday. He was 48. I wondered: what has the aging action star been doing the past few years? So I visited his page, and was momentarily stunned by the first line of his bio: “Dolph Lundgren is living proof that brains and brawn do go together.” I hadn’t encountered a sentence that surreal since I read something in the newspaper about meat panties.
But then I took a look at what Dolph has been doing, and it’s apparent that he’s been putting his time to good use. The world can always use a movie called The Mechanik (it came out last year--did you catch it?) The Defender (because that’s what Dolph is...he defends) or Retrograde (a very honest title) or Fat Slags (which is--wait a minute, what?) and Direct Action (inspired by the movie’s own journey straight to video).
But I had to stop a second when I came across the entry for the 2000 blockbuster Jill the Ripper, because the IMDB gave a number of alternate titles for the flick. Jill the Ripper is apparently also known as The Bone Ripper, The Leatherwoman, and Tied Up.
How about that!
And really, I applaud the writers and producers of that movie. Because great writers throughout history have struggled to find the exact right name for their masterpieces, and I’m glad to see that the masterminds behind Jill the Ripper were no different. Take Herman Melville, author of Moby Dick, who considered naming the book The Whale Ripper.
Or Queequeg Action.
And--this is a little known historical fact in regards to Melville’s classic tale of sea adventure and human tragedy--but his first draft was called Fat Slags.
Posted by Greg at 05:04 AM. Filed under:
(17) Comments • (0) Trackbacks • Permalink
Talk about kicking a guy when his name is already Dolph.
My sister turned me onto the beauty that is IMDB a year or so ago. What can I say? I’m always late to the party. Gotta say I love that site now. It’s so helpful! Like, did you know that the original title for War of the Worlds was Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?. Where else are you going to get nuggets like that??
i second pea’s comment. especially about the foreign titles. the translation is usually given as the “main” movie title, and the actual foreign title is listed under “alternate.” this simultaneously annoys and delights me, i can’t say why.
I wish there were more films like The Punisher.
Queequeg Action, LOL.
Poor Dolph. Then again, no poor Dolph. I’m sure he’s still rolling in the dough.
Queequeg! Lewis Carroll would be proud.
Greg-- I was stunned to learn this a couple years ago: Dolph Lundgren was a Rhodes Scholar. No joke!
you’re just jealous because you thought that YOU were the only living proof ‘that brains and brawn do go together’. btw, i just think of goat burritos when i think of brain and brawn together.
dolph is huge in china. he planning the comeback. i sense it.
There are some great synopses available for those movies:
Jill The Ripper:
When his influential younger brother becomes the latest victim of a depraved serial killer, Murray Wilson (Lundgren - JOHNNY MNEMONIC, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE), a former boxer and San Francisco detective, launches his own investigation, determined to bring the culprit to justice. Infiltrating the secretive world of high-priced bondage and domination (populated by some of the city’s most prominent citizens), Wilson discovers a twisted domain of unfettered desires, where everything’s for sale, and clients are paying with their lives.
Direct Action:
Muscle-bound action hero Dolph Lundgren (ROCKY IV, UNIVERSAL SOLDIER) returns to take the lead role in this nail-biting thriller. Frank Gannon (Lundgren) is nearing retirement from his job on the police force. Sick of the corruption that runs rife throughout the department, he decides to shop his fellow officers to the powers that be. His final days on the force subsequently turn into a nightmare for Gannon, whose colleagues decide to set him up in a drug scam that threatens to tarnish his impeccable reputation.
The Fat Slags, it appears, was more of a cameo role for Dolph. The movie is a live action version of a comic strip from the UK’s Viz comic featuring two girls who live their lives eating greasy foods and shagging blokes. In a case of typecasting, the movie also stars Geri Halliwell, better known as “Old Spice” from the Spice Girls. I don’t believe the movie was ever actually released.
since they’re making Rocky VI now, do you think he’ll also make a comeback in that film as well?
alt name for that flick: Two geriatric fighters duke it out at the nursing home.
“I will BREAK your...shuffleboard.”
I clicked over to the site with snide cynicism, but if the IMDB mini-bio can be believed, Dolf is quite a guy: he has a master’s in Chemical Engineering and was offered a Fulbright Scholarship to MIT, which he apparently turned down under the influence of Chaz Palmienteri to be Grace Jones’ bodyguard and to date Paula Barbieri. He was “team leader” for the US Pentathalon team in 1996; that’s an event combining karate, hair styling, heavy weaponry, rocky-bashing, and chemical engineering. He officially announced his retirement in 2002 to spend more time with his family; since then he has made five films including Fat Slags (in which he plays “Randy"). His IQ is claimed to be 160, and he is 1.98 meters tall - that’s six foot six inches of brawny swedish genius.
Oh dolf… how could we have so misjudged you? Greg, thanks for giving us cause for pause. Isn’t there a little Dolf in all of us? Deep down inside? If we’re lucky, there is. Or, perhaps, if we’re incarcerated with him.
“Call me Ishmael? Are you feeling lucky, punk?”
Awww...just when I think you’re a total synic, you endear yourself to me with a Melville reference. However you examine Dolph, I’m sure that he, like Moby, is, in the end, simply “very like a whale.”
Unfortunately for Dolph, the secret formula to his success is available free of charge:
http://dolphmovie.blogspot.com/
Gotta go. Like Dolph, I know that somewhere out there is a supermodel in need of protection. Protection that only a former Navy SEAL and cramped quarters can offer.
Dude I know what a meathead he must look as, and I agree, but have you seen his curriculum, the guy actually is bright, cool to know, that aside the phrase on his site IS pretty funny.
I think he’s cool, a dinnosaur on today’s underdog/antihero leading man, but still cool
love him on rocky!