Previous studies have indicated that consuming red wine may help prevent obesity and age-related diseases, while increasing strength and endurance.

But now a new study confirms that red wine also leads to amazing superpowers.

Leading scientists monitored a test subject who drank great quantities of red wine over the course of several months, and as a result became able to lift cars over his head, defy gravity, and perform stunning feats of heroism.

“It wasn’t just the wine by itself,” explained one of the lead researchers.  “Our test subject consumed the wine for a significant period of time, and then uttered the phrase ‘Sauvignon!’ Apparently, this word is one of the key harmonics of the universe.  It caused an ear-splitting sound, much like a billion grapes being crushed at once.  When the smoke cleared, our test subject was wearing a spandex outfit and cape, and found himself endowed with abilities such as strength and flight.”

Although the test subject now responds to the name “Captain Cabernet,” he hasn’t actually taken the step of fighting crime.

“I will fight no crime until it’s time,” explained the test subject, who preferred to remain anonymous in case he does, in fact, wind up with a rogue’s gallery of supervillain adversaries.

Captain Cabernet also possesses a strange power called “wine vision.”

“That one isn’t very useful, though,” said the lead researcher.  “Wine vision just means that Captain Cabernet laughs and giggles whenever he looks at anything.  In effect, he’s seeing the world through rose-colored glasses.”

Scientists are also quick to warn against overstating the positive effects of wine.

“It’s not like everyone should run out and start drinking barrels of wine.  Oh sure, you’ll gain super strength and flight.  But so far, there’s no surefire way to maintain a secret identity--not with the way your teeth get stained.”