So I’d like to extend my thanks to California’s Governor Schwarzenegger on blowing $300 million on a “special election” yesterday.

I think that phrase requires another word--"needs." It was really a “Special Needs Election,” which is a nice way of saying that it wasn’t right in the head.

Of course we voted down your lame propositions, Arnie.  Let’s take Proposition 74, which toughened teacher tenure requirements.  Were you serious?  We’re supposed to follow the lead of Kindergarten Cop in regards to setting academic standards?  What we really need to do is pass a proposition that limits all future showings of that movie to five minutes, in the name of public health, because seeing as much of it as I did cost me ten years of life.  Yes it is a tumor, and it’s your fault, and your idiotic movie caused it.  Here’s a thought: give teachers a decent salary and attract good people into the profession and maybe you won’t have to worry about getting rid of the bad ones.  Is that too difficult of a concept for your steroid-addled peanut head?

Did I mention that you cost the taxpayers $300 million?  That’s a whole new Lord of the Rings movie right there.

Did I mention that not a single proposition on your stupid ballot passed? But let’s not keep berating you. Instead, let’s take a look at some propositions that should have been on the ballot.  These might have fared better.  Keep them in mind--for next time.*

Proposition 809.  Your redistricting proposition failed.  It wasn’t a bad idea, but the voters didn’t trust you to be the person who prevents political gerrymandering.  Here’s one that the voters would swallow more easily: Proposition 809, which mandates that everyone who watches The Tony Danza Show lives in one district and everyone else lives in another.  Would you want to vote alongside those kinds of people?  I know that I don’t.  That’s not what I want for me and my family. 

Proposition 143. We’re all happy that Proposition 13 limits the amount of property tax that homeowners have to pay.  But unfortunately, that famous proposition has also prevented the state from getting the revenues it needs for schools and social services.  Proposition 143 would leave most homeowners alone but levy a tax on those who have gnomes, unicorns, or even deer sculptures on their front lawn.  The tax is doubled if they actually have a sign for their last name over the front door, such as “THE BILLINGSLEYS.” Those people need to pay out the nose.

Proposition 52. This proposition bans anyone at my office from saying things like “We’re on the same page,” “Let’s sync up,” or “At the end of the day.” I’ll tell you what’s going to happen at the end of the day: this proposition will be passed by a majority and then everyone who talks like this will go to jail for saying annoying things.  Now that’s grassroots action.

Proposition 232. This would ban all pointless Hollywood remakes.  And the Governator should get a kick out of this one, because it’s inspired by the fact that I recently read they’re remaking Arnie’s old flick Predator.  That movie deserves to be remade?  It was stupid the first time.  No more remakes.  Except maybe Weird Science because it was funny but the computers they used to create the hot magic woman are really out of date.  Like a Commodore 64 could have created Kelly LeBrock!  That is just ridiculous!  Now a PowerBook G4--that’s a scientifically defensible position.

Proposition 421. I was in the Mission District of San Francisco last night and some guy sticks a pamphlet in my face and says “You vote yet?  The polls close in ten hours.” I shook my head, meaning “Don’t talk to me because you smell funny,” and he took that to mean that I didn’t vote, and he snarled “You didn’t vote?  You gotta vote, man.” In point of fact, I voted two weeks earlier thanks to the glory of the absentee ballot that lets me vote while drinking coffee and wearing boxer shorts--which is how I’ve always voted in the past as well but people apparently don’t mind as much as long as I’m in my own home.  The point is, I was three blocks away before I thought of a comeback to the pamphlet guy, which is “Okay, I’ll vote; I vote that you get the hell out of my face.” Which leads me to my proposition, which is that people who irritate me to have to hang out for several minutes until I can come up with the perfect snappy comeback.  I hate missing that window of opportunity, and I know that many unions and political action committees will agree with me.

Proposition 321.  I’m a genius for coming up with all these propositions, so everyone has to now refer to me as “Your Excellency.”

That’s it. Let’s get some petitions signed and get those suckers on the ballot for next time.

*By the way, none of this bile aimed at Arnie should imply that I think his public rival, Warren Beatty, would do any better.  I’m pretty sure they torture prisoners of war by showing Dick Tracy on an endless loop.  Get these damn actors out of politics and let’s get someone in here who’s smart.  Who’s reasonable.  Who’s willing to do what’s right for the people of California.  Like...like the members of Franz Ferdinand.