1. Why bother having braille keys on drive-through ATMs? They’re obviously used by blind people who are supergeniuses, since they have the mental power to commit local traffic patterns and street layouts to memory. It’s a pretty safe bet that they can hit the right keys on a bank machine.

2. Every email virus I’ve seen is filled with broken English--such as “Hi you there! Click on .exe file to see puppy dog and hearts. Right then!” Are no U.S.-born programmers capable of creating a decent virus? I’m concerned that we’re going to lose our position as the world’s preeminent superpower unless we start teaching our children how to bring the Internet to its knees.

3. Now playing on HBO: “Turbulence 2: Fear of Flying.” The first Turbulence could not possibly have made any money. Therefore, the only explanation for the existence of this sequel is if it’s a coded message to a hovering mother ship, signaling that the Earth is ready to attack.

You heard it here first.