I was surprised to look in my bank account over the weekend and realize that I had more money than I thought. I tried to understand how this could have happened. And then I remembered--I haven’t been to a wedding in a while.
I’ve reached the stage in my life where going to a wedding once a month isn’t required. In my early 30s, I had to start going to the racetrack in order to keep up on all the gifts I had to buy. When Arabian Pistol fell behind in the last few seconds, I had to decline my next five weddings and claim I was laid up in intensive care.
I think weddings and baby showers are well intentioned but misguided. If you think about it, it makes absolutely no sense to throw a party for these life events. The people involved are already happy; the last thing they need are friends and gifts. It’s like sending a paramedic to CPR classes. Shouldn’t we make more of an effort to throw parties for people who fight or get divorced? That’s when they could really use it. Everyone gets word of the break up, and suddenly people start calling around:
“Yes, don’t worry about the gift, we’re all going to chip in and get her one...well, we were thinking that if we had enough people, we could all go in on a lawyer. I mean a really nice one, not the kind that advertise on TV...oh don’t be cheap Felicia. How often does one get divorced?”
Personally, I’m looking forward to the phase in my life where I have to start going to funerals all the time. Think about it: you don’t have to bring anything, you can wear black turtlenecks (which make me look thin), and if you happen to blow it off, what is the person going to do? Boycott yours?
I may break with tradition for my own funeral. I’d like to be the first person to register for gifts. You know, just to screw with everyone one last time. They’ll think “Jeez, it’s kind of weird but I guess I’d better buy one of these gifts. I mean, he’s dead, it’s the least I can do.” Everyone will walk into the place and look for the table where they’re supposed to unload the gifts, and the usher will say “No no, just step on up and dump everything into the coffin.”
Which, to my mind, is also practical. Because no one knows what comes after all this, but I figure it can’t hurt to face it with a decent rice cooker.
My friends all chipped in and got me a spa day for the divorce. It was a beautiful thing.
In many divorces there is a dumper and a dumpee. I think the gift most of the dumpees would like is to have their marriage back. Second choice would be a bottle of good vodka.
I’m going to get the last laugh when you wake up in heaven and try to redeem the walmart certificate i dropped in your coffin only to discover there ain’t no walmarts in heaven.
...no, actually, you cannot wear a black turtle neck to a funeral.
There was an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie was asked to take her shoes off at the door at a friend’s baby shower and they were stolen. When the friend refused to pay for them, Carrie decided it wasn’t fair that single people pay out all the time but never get their own gifts because they don’t have weddings and babies. So she sent an invitation saying she was getting married to herself, and that she was registered at the shoe store. She registered for the shoes she had lost and the friend was forced to buy them and send a nice card. I thought that was awesome.
I’m registering for terracotta soldiers and horses.
I was just thinking today about how I missed your birthday but still need to get you something. This post put a big fat damper on it.
It didn’t really. It actually made me feel like I owe more gifts, as I’ve been failing to put out for my unhappy, divorced, sterilized (yes, women our age are getting their wombs removed for non-birth control reasons) and brokenhearted friends. I’m on the hook for so much, and my bank account will reflect it soon.
By the way, our puppy is going to be baptized, and we want you to be there and to be the Godfather. He’s registered at Petmart.
If I can be godfather to Omar, I think we’re square on the gift.
I want that bottle of vodka for my funeral, please. If I go to heaven, I have a feeling the don’t have hooch up there and I can’t go through eternity without a martini. If I go to hell...well, maybe I can be drunk enough not to care.
You’re thinking too small-scale. Send out eVites to the funeral. In the body, include a link to your Amazon tip jar. Make it clear that the more money your invitees spend now, the more strings you will pull for them when they join you in the afterlife. Then, with the Amazon money, have your descendants build you a pyramid. Seriously. Those things last forever.
Do you think it’s morbid to hold a dress rehearsal? I mean, I just want to see WHO actually makes the effort to turn up, and what they wear, how much they cry and whether my canape recipes are equally as good when made by someone else. It just makes sense really…