Here are some things that have annoyed me lately.
1. The other day, a gorgeous black Chrysler LeBaron was parked outside my place of work. I noticed that it had a license plate frame, which is pretty unusual for such a nice car. I looked closely at it. It read:
“EXECUTIVES DRIVE CARS LIKE THIS”
There’s a boss who must make Ricky Gervais from The Office look like Cesar Chavez. Here’s a tip, sparky: If you have to call attention to the fact that you’re a big shot executive, you’re probably not really one. It’s kind of like Austin Powers calling himself an “International Man of Mystery.” You’re not supposed to say it; you’re just supposed to be one. Oh, and that license plate frame is meant to be used ironically. You’re supposed to stick it on a Pinto or a VW. Also, eat me.
2. Driving to an out-of-the-way restaurant in the east bay, I passed an upscale dog kennel. The slogan was “While you’re away, your dog will play.” Everything inside was painted bright, happy colors. I think it’s great that people make a point of putting their dogs into a bright, colorful kennels--given that dogs are colorblind.
3. I just found out that Teri Hatcher’s daughter is named “Emerson.” I know it’s a rule that you can’t have a hit TV show or movie unless you have horrible names for your kids, but this is going too far. Can this young prodigy explain the philosophical underpinnings of transcendentalism? Did she supply Harvard with a graduating address called “The American Scholar”? No? Then she’s not allowed to have the name. Instead of complaining every time the paparazzi sticks a camera in her face, I’d expect her to explain the zoom lens as a modern-day version of the transparent eyeball. I’ll look for your analysis in Us magazine, Emmy.
4. I hate anyone who describes themselves as “a walking enigma” or a “bundle of contradictions.” If you have to actually articulate these things, then they probably don’t apply. It’s like Austin Powers calling himself an International Ma--now look what’s happened. I’m repeating myself. That only happens when I get worked up about dumb things, which is the fault of dumb people. This underscores my political position that the “No Child Left Behind” act should be modified to say that it’s actually okay to leave behind the really annoying ones.
i knew a guy who used to tell people, “i’m an existentialist” and gosh, that was good for a laugh every single time.
anne - i think i know that guy. he seemed so ... *deep*, when i was 16.
and greg - i’m imagining a bus for the left-behind children. i was going to say a “short bus” like the one the “special” kids took to school, but in fact i think this bus would be very, very long.
nice heathers reference.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden path or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life breathed easier because you lived, this is to have succeeded.”
--Ralph Waldo Emerson.
And Greg.
The ones we can’t drag alongside us will be eliminated.
Perhaps you could add your own coda to the license plate holder “...until their enraged sweatshop workers carjack them”
I actually frequently describe myself as a walking contradiction of myself.
And I hate when people say things like that too.
no child left untested, no child’s self-esteem left unindicted, and no school administrator left to do his or her job without cringing fealty to inflexible federal standards.
and dude, the le baron is not what executives drive. Executives drive these Or are driven in them. Or just hop in for a moment to snort extacy off the breasts of nubile swimsuit models. But they are not driving their own volare-inspired le barons. geez.
That’s it...I am naming my next kid Hatcher.
Oh, and I love noting how I am at the heart of the modern zeitgeist. I’m like a real-life Zelig, dude!
She’s not named after Ralph Waldo, she’s named after an old brand of TVs and radios. see, for example,
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=38035&item=6539518252&rd=1
And yes, I know they are still in business but now they’re Chinese or Taiwanese or something.
i thought the phrase was really “a cornucopia of contradictions”. no? hmm…
She wasn’t named after a television brand, she was named after that weird place I called college.
http://www.emerson.edu
for shame. she shall have no marketable skills whatsoever. and she will be paying for herself for the rest of her gd life!
It’s still better than ‘Apple.’
But not by much.
“You’re a nihilist? That must be exhausting.”
“Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, at least it’s an ethos”
Maybe the LaBaron guy owned a Crystler dealership?
PS - LOVE the CD. Love, love, love it. thank you.
How can I continue to be a walking enigma of mysterious contradictions when you keep making me laugh?
I think the proper name is
“No Dollar Left Behind” they all went to the ‘04 election campaign
1)The licence plate thing reminds me of that SNL commercial for the “I’m #1” hat. So funny.
2)When Teri Hatcher’s daughter gets the requisite LA breast implants, you can refer to her as Emerson Bigguns. (Sounds better with a southern accent.)
3)Also, perhaps the brightly colored dog kennel is pleasant for the kennel workers, not the dogs.
4)My beef recently is with KFC’s boneless chicken wings… made of breast meat. What!?
Actually, dogs do see color, just not the same range as humans:
http://www.ccmr.cornell.edu/education/ask/?quid=165
“Dogs and cats only have two kinds of cones sensitive to blue and green light. So they do see some colors.”
I thought Hatcher named her kid after the TV brand too, given that she used to do ads for Radio Shack.
Also, dogs aren’t completely color blind.
websites which mess up my URL annoy me. So I hope that you can track me down via my webblog, or I will be annoyed.