Confound societal expectations; wear both boxers and briefs.

Slap hard anyone who utters the phrases “at the end of the day,” “it is what it is,” or “chillaxes.”

Never ever give you up, let you down, or run around.  And definitely don’t desert you.

Keep eating vegetables; it’s not impossible that I could have another growth spurt before I turn 40.

It’s against California law to talk on a blackberry or send texts while driving--so restrict driving activities to web surfing, downloading ringtones, and playing “Brickbreaker.”

For karaoke? It’s either The Cheetah Girls or stay home.

Spend more time with George W. now that his schedule has finally cleared up; suggest going back to frequent Paintball & Cocaine weekends.

Pedicures, pedicures, pedicures.

The joke is getting old, so stop referring to my penis as my “land line.”

This year, finally and categorically, once and for all--no parking on the dance floor.