Be less critical and more open to trying new things--unless it’s really obvious that they’re going to suck.
Work out technical bugs in special effects filled finale of my traveling one-man show, The Life and Death of Amelia Earhart.
Prevent paparazzi from selling my topless photos; file lawsuits if necessary.
Buy more mouthwash. Distribute freely to co-workers, friends, and strangers in need.
According to Buddhism, “You are the architect of your destiny.” That is completely true, and therefore I resolve to do everything Buddhism tells me to do.
Whenever anyone around me makes a declarative statement, chime in and say “In bed.”
Cut back on the career opportunism; it only leads to abductions, brainwashing, and artificial insemination. No wait! That’s a Katie Holmes resolution.
Focus more on personal relationships. Not mine, of course. Way more fun to interfere with others.
Don’t stress about losing weight. Instead, hold tight until everyone else’s obesity catches up.
Stop using sex as a weapon.
Posted by Greg at 05:01 PM. Filed under:
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You are super funny today, Greg. What’s up?
Let me know when “Life and Death of Amelia Earhart” is coming to North Carolina. I bet you look hot in earflaps and long scarves.
“Stop using sex as a weapon”
“...in bed!”
Wait, wait. That doesn’t work. Dammit.
damnit, jack took my comment. ah well. hang on, there must be something i can say ...
“you are the architect of your own destiny”
“… in bed!”
i know, it’s lame. *sulking*
good luck with those resolutions, gerg ...
“Focus more on personal relationships. Not mine, of course. Way more fun to interfere with others...IN BED!”
Tee hee!
You’re going to have some strange conversations, Greg.
Guest at party: “There’s no doubt George Bush relies too heavily on Karl Rove and Condoleeza Rice for advice.”
Greg: “in bed”
Now that’s a threesome we should see on Playboy channel.
Greg, I think you might need to do something about your dad.
I know, but I try not to make resolutions that I’m not able to actually achieve.
At least when you use sex as a weapon, it’s a misdemeanor.
Ooooooooo. ZING!!!
You got SERVED!
Hey, no slagging Papa Goose! - unless you want to suffer the wrath of The Papa Goose Maniacal Fan Club (in bed).
“Prevent paparazzi from selling my topless photos; file lawsuits if necessary.”
Where’s the tipjar? I have my dollar ready.
I was reading old entries and saw a flash of “sex as a weapon” as I scrolled up to this one and thought you were resolving to start using it as a weapon and I was going to say “Good thing you’re non-violent man” but then you said the opposite and so the joke was gone. And I’ve just ruined it by explaining it.
CW’s comment, on the other hand, kicked ass.
Wow. A list. A list I really enjoyed. You ARE good.
By the way, the “in bed” thing is always fun with fortune cookies too, and it perfectly fills that normally awkward moment between paying the bill and getting up to leave.
A pleasant alternative to the “...in bed” ending is “...with no pants on!”
Always lightens the mood.
Too strong...can’t resist…
“I resolve to do everything Buddhism tells me to do (with no pants on!)
Buy more mouthwash. Distribute freely to co-workers, friends, and strangers in need.
Yeah, tell me about it. My youngest daughter K has had a very difficult time adjusting to her new piano teacher. So, wanting to be the helpful, understanding mother, I asked K, “Is there anything I can do to help you with your piano teacher, honey?”
K: “Yeah, give her a breath mint!”
Me, trying desperately to hide my obvious amusement (K herself stated once while coloring, “I like myself, yeah, because I’m hilarious.") and stifle choking laughter: “Sweety, is her breath that bad?”
K: “Yeeeeeees. Also, she puts her arms around me to show me where my hands go. She doesn’t understand ( and with this she raised her little hands and initiated the Tricky Dicky hand signal- no! not the bird- of quotes) ‘personal space.’ Talk to her about that mom.”
Me: “So, let’s see: Altoids and Personal Space?”
K: “Yep.”