For the most part, my parents have given up on hounding me to get married. I suspect that the arrival of my niece is largely responsible for this. Sometimes I think they’re about to make some remark about the issue, and then they catch sight of my niece and quickly lose interest. Why bang their heads against the wall when they can go marvel at the reality of actual, reproduced genes, wobbling around their house in a cute little package?
It is, however, impossible to disrupt the karmic balance of the universe by avoiding the topic entirely. Where the efforts of my flesh and blood have fallen off, my friend’s mother has stepped up to take their place.
As you may have noticed from the below post, some of my old college friends are asian. I’ve known their parents for almost two decades. In particular, I’ve known the mother of my Chinese friend. She and I have always liked each other, although we have rarely exchanged more than a few sentences; she doesn’t speak or understand English well, so it’s inconvenient to hold long conversations.
If we spend any degree of time together, she grills me about my personal life. And so it was when we came back from southern California and I ended up having dinner with my friend, his wife, and his mother. We ate pizza and drank soda while the mother regarded me steadily. I munched away placidly, knowing what was coming, and so it did--in a sudden, booming voice. She talks loudly to ensure that her broken English is understood by all.
“YOU HAVE GIRLFRIEND YET?”
This is the first thing she had said to me other than “HELLO” an hour earlier. I looked up and said, “Nothing serious right now, Mrs. [NAME DELETED].”
“AH, YOU NEED TO GET GIRLFRIEND.”
“Sure,” I said.
“YOUR PROBLEM, TOO PICKY.”
“Hey,” I shrugged. “They just need to breathe and shop and cook. Is that so wrong?”
“TOO PICKY NOT GOOD. YOU NEED TO GET GIRLFRIEND. BUT NOT ONE YOU HAD BEFORE.”
At this, everyone around the table stared at her. I knew exactly who she was talking about: she had only met one of my girlfriends, and that was several years ago.
My friend said, “What is that supposed to mean?”
I told him, “Your mother met [NAME DELETED]. And she told you afterwards that she didn’t really like her. Don’t you remember?”
He shook his head. “I don’t remember that at all.”
“It was a long time ago. It’s amazing that this still nags at her.”
“YES, NOT ONE LIKE HER. SHE WAS NOT HIGH QUALITY.”
My friend’s wife laughed. He shook his head again.
I looked at the mother. “Mrs. [NAME DELETED], wait a minute and think about what you’re saying. First you said I’m too picky. Then you said a girl I dated wasn’t of high quality. Does that make sense? Either I’m too picky or I’m not picky enough. Which is it?”
I think we both realized at the same moment that we had just exchanged more words--and with more substance--than we had in all the years we’d known each other. Still, I was excited. How often do you get to catch people in such a rhetorical trap? I couldn’t help grinning.
She looked back and smiled dazedly. She said, “HA HA HA.”
Then she kept on eating. I couldn’t believe it. She had played the language card! She had completely understood my meaning, but was backing out on the pretense of not understanding English.
My friend looked at me and rolled his eyes.
I said, “Hand me another slice of pizza.”
I glared at my napkin. Substitute moms are a rotten deal. At least the real ones can’t back out of a good argument on account of a sudden bout of English amnesia.
Hey, I’m single and I can breathe and shop and....order in. Any takers?
I am also too picky and date people of dubious quality. That and a coupla bucks will get me a cup of coffee.
English is my dads’ first language and he still tries to play the language card.
When are you going to get married? Stop fooling around and get us another cute package of reproduced genes.
I dodged this one neatly by having my sister spawn while I was still only sixteen. Now my Mom is nagging my niece about great-grandchildren.
As to finding relationship material, have you considered a pizza delivery girl? Hot and fresh to your door in 30 minutes or less…
Last summer I met up with an old family friend I haven’t seen since the Regan administration. After discovering my single status he replys, “Gosh there must be something wrong with *you*.” Gee. Thanks.
HA HA HA!
I’m with Papa Goose!
my good (asian) friend’s mother is the same way. the funny thing is that, when i finally got engaged, she went from harassing me about my single status to ignoring me completely. i am constantly amazed by the shit we let people get away with in the name of “culture.”
heh. i’ve been in this country for 24 years and i still try to pull that. i’m fond of saying, “i’m sorry. i’m not from around here so i don’t understand.” people usually find that horribly amusing which serves my purpose because by the time they’re done laughing, they’ve forgotten what they were hounding me about. love it. :D
Ahhh, to be single again.
I’ve given my mom everything she could ever ask for. (She even got to plan my wedding!) Now she just wants more grandchildren. They’re never satisfied.
Ha! my mom must be the anti-mom.
my 31 yr old. sister is regularly dating someone for the first time in ~4 yrs. My mom told her ‘Don’t get carried away’. And she’s very fond of telling me that I have plenty of time. I can’t tell if she’s understanding or just wants company in her old age.
Is Papa Goose really your father?
I didn’t think so either, but the damn DNA test apparently doesn’t lie.
A DEMOCRAT for a son. Who’d ever have imagined that!
Hey Papa Goose,
My daddy says the same thing about me (insert, daughter)!
I think you have material here for the Lost Chapter of the Joy Luck Club.
Don’t get married! That cartoon Cathy chick got married and nobody cares about her anymore! Come to think of it, did anybody care about her to begin with?
Ha ha! I get this all the time, too. “WHY AREN’T YOU MARRIED?”
I’ll have to remember to play the language card when I’m asked this question. “SORRY, NO SPEAK ENGLISH. HA HA HA.”
A lady at my job tells me to hurry up and marry my boyfriend before I lose him! She’s divorced and single. Anyway, please don’t get married this summer as I already have too many weddings and gifts and whatnot. k.
So, in addition to a special Goose Makeover Edition (where the girls take you out and help you buy some new jeans that don’t taper at the ankle), we can also expect a Goose Bachelor edition, where your readers vie for dates with you?
Adam has a great idea! We need to assemble some of Greg’s lady-friends and do a “before and after” makeover ala What Not To Wear.
And if Papa (and Mama) Goose want to see their youngest married to a fine lass, it would be in their interest to kick in some cash for the new clothes.
Never ever get married and have kids, just to spite both mothers
I firmly believe that the only reason parents hound thier kids to get married and have children of their own is because they(parents) won’t be satisfied until they’ve seen you miserable - enduring the same amount of headaches and torture and empty bank accounts that you caused them while growing up.
As the bumper sticker says, Live Long Enough to Cause as Much Trouble for Your Kids as They Caused You!
Hey, I’m single and I’m also a loser. Wait, that didn’t help.
Hey Jennifer…
I’m game! And… I cook!
Let’s have Papa Goose chaperone us.
--LAZ
“At least the real ones can’t back out of a good argument on account of a sudden bout of English amnesia.”
Ah, that’s where you are sadly mistaken. When I was little, my Afrikaans parents used to switch to English when they wanted to discuss things that weren’t meant for my innocent ears.
Now that I can finally sort of speak Eeengleeesh, they pretend not to understand me at all.
Oh, wait… I think I just got it.
When I met my boyfriend’s Italian grandmother last month, she showed me the little altar in her bedroom where she prays for her grandsons to get married.