Time for another edition of Oscar the Grouch, and a look at 2004’s best picture nominees.
Lord of the Rings. A shoo-in to win. The academy loves movies that are so long that you need a haircut halfway through them. Buy a beverage? Bring a catheter.
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. Here’s a thought--let’s choose a single title and stick with it. Doing the stupid colon approach puts this movie in the same august company as Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, and I really don’t think that’s doing it any favors. As for the movie itself, it was a bracing, rousing tale of sea-faring adventure that--nah, just kidding, I didn’t see it. And neither did you, so let’s move on.
Mystic River. Remember the good old days when Clint Eastwood used to ride around wearing a poncho and shooting people? Me neither, but I’ve seen the reruns on AMC. The point is, now he’s making “artsy” films about middle-aged men with lots of emotional problems. I was hoping Clint would ride in at the end and say “Shut up you whining punks” and shoot them all. Instead, all we’re left with is a drinking game: take a shot whenever Kevin Bacon, Tim Robbins, or Sean Penn does something angsty.
Seabiscuit. This movie won’t win because of the terrible miscasting of the lead character. Here you essentially have a “Rocky” movie with a horse. The horse is an old, saggy, pile of bones. And who do they cast? A horse! A complete mistake. They should have cast the original Rocky himself, Sylvester Stallone, as Seabiscuit. He looks the part, and he knows from underdog stories about triumph and redemption. However, a special “shout out” has to be given to the adventurous performance given Tobey Macguire, who does a 180 degree turn from his usual role by dying his hair orange.
Lost in Translation. I’m going to be serious for a moment. This movie is dangerous. Oh, you may reply: “Dangerous? It’s a lovely tone poem about friendship and self-discovery.” No, this movie carries an insidious message: “It’s okay to not sleep with Scarlett Johannsen.” That is not a message I’d want to give to my children. If you’re hanging out in a city by yourself with Scarlett, you don’t sit around and talk about feelings for two weeks--unless you’re trying to lower her guard. Bill Murray is definitely a lock for best actor: a lesser performer would never have been able to say all those lines without adding “For God’s sake, let’s just knock boots already.”
And let’s put a lid on all the shock and dismay about Nicole Kidman not being nominated for Cold Mountain. Three words: Dr. Chase Meridian.
I’m the one who saw Master and Commander. And I have to say..it was amazing.
You couldn’t be more right about this Lost In Translation outrage. If it had actually played in my town, I was ready to picket. I fell in love with that girl - Bill Murray I already adored.
I have to admit, though, that I am surprised at your lack of up-to-the-minute commentary on Janet Jackson’s huge nipple ring exposure.
sofia coppola’s done some good stuff, but to me she’s just the unfunny sarah silverman lookalike. cheap replacement.
you say Dr. Chase Meridian like there’s something wrong with that. Strange. :D
I loved Lost in Translation. I can’t wait till it comes out on DVD. And that’s saying a lot considering my stupid DVD player is broken!
I agree about Sofia C. Looks like she never even makes an effort to brush her hair or even stand up straight…
i agree with all your assessments, except the translation one. because young scarlett looks just like my younger sister, i approve of the central message: “creepy old men should avoid sleeping with women who look like my sister”. i’ll leave it to you to decided if that message applies to you or not.
(PS: the ending of mystic river had no narrative integrity, and i hated it.)
Bryan, I’m not sure what you mean by that, but I thought the ending of Mystic River didn’t go anywhere or provide any kind of thematic consistency to the rest of the movie. So, y’know, maybe you meant that.
i think the ending of mystic river was just a lesson that the morning after really sucks.
Oooh. “Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World” has even more syllables than “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”.
I loved Mystic River.
Except, the parade bit at the end. Bacon and Penn practically winking at each other.
I just didn’t get the whole,"High Five, man! You murdered our childhood friend and he wasn’t even the one who killed your daughter!”
Wink. Wink wink.
If I’m being honest, Master and Commander might be my favorite movie of last year.
And I thought Mystic River was an overrated, overacted, overdirected, oversoundtracked piece of crap.
The need a category of “Films that we could never actually nominate as best picture, even though they clearly blow all the official nominees out of the water.”
I think Secretary’s a shoe-in for this category.
Secretary was 2002, and there had been talk of Maggie getting a best actress nom, but she was robbed. Or some other more appropriate verb given her performance.
I almost always agree with what you write, Greg, but today I am siding with Bryan about Lost in Translation. But not because of the sister thing. Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m a dame, but it was the intimacy without sex that made their relationship more interesting. Plus, when they did kiss, I thought, “I bet he has bad old-man-breath.” Being a comic genius doesn’t make one immune to physical decay. Take note, Greg.
I haven’t seen a single one of these movies. What happened to the past year?
ok, actual truth: an english major from harvard said that sentence to me, and i just loved the way it sounded. so now i repeat it, not unlike a parakeet.
*narrative integrity! awk!*
I just loved the little girl from Whale Rider. I cried and cried and cried when she rode off on the whale.
I know, I’m a sap. Do you still like me?
Nicole shouldn’t have even been nominated for a Golden Globe!
Secretary was 2002? Oh, of course. I forgot I lived in a country that was backwards as well as upside down...(rubs hands in anticipation at impending release of the latest installment of Star Wars series....Empire strikes back)
heh. you used “august” as an adjective. nerd.
I haven’t seen Mystic River yet.
But, I was disappointed with Clint for much the same reason you describe after seeing Unforgiven. It got so much hype, and all I thought about it was, “Wow. A bunch of cowboys standing around and talking about how they just got their periods. Deep.”