You know what’s the ultimate no-win social situation? When the serving person brings out every other dish but yours.
This just never goes well. Either you say nothing, which is rude. Or you tell the people around you, “No no, start eating before everything gets cold, Don’t feel bad--look, I’m eating too. I’m having the last of the bread, and I’m also gnawing on my napkin.”
But think about what you just did to everyone else at the table. Either they start eating, which makes them look insensitive, or they don’t, which means they’re ignoring a direct request from you. At which point everyone sits silently and looks awkwardly at each other. They start thinking heavily about baseball in order to forget that there’s a delicious, steaming plate of food in front of them.
And this always happens when you’ve ordered the simplest thing on the menu. It’s not like everyone else at the table ordered macaroni and cheese and you ordered lobster bisque. You say, “Look, it’s a damn cheeseburger. I make cheeseburgers at home in about five minutes. What’s the deal?”
And the server says “Oh! Don’t worry, yours will be coming right out.” Which is code for “We’re currently slaughtering the cow, at which point we will process it and prepare it to become meat patties in several hours time.”
Normally I’d call for servers to try to align all their customers’ meals together, so they’re brought out at once and someone isn’t left without. But I know that this is all an elaborate social experiment centered on me. Servers keep watch for me. And when they see me coming into the restaurant with my friends, they chatter excitedly: “He’s almost here. Now remember, serve him last with a space of about fifteen minutes. $20 says that after he finishes eating his napkin, he’ll start nibbling on the tablecloth.”
Last week, I went to a birthday dinner with 26 other people, and ordered a salad. Forty five minutes later, after everyone else was done eating their steak and lobster, I received my $11 dollar plate of haphazardly thrown together, inedible brown plants, covered in dressing that had gone bad.
Sadly, I didn’t think to eat the napkins (and there was no bread). In the future, I’ll remember this trick. Maybe I can start dipping the cloth napkins in my friend’s steak sauce when no one is looking.
I am the slowest eater in the world, and also usually the last served. It would be really nice for me and all of my tablemates if the restaurant would serve me first and give me a head start!
And of course after this happens you are then left to eat by yourself while everyone at the table covertly sneaks peeks at their watch.
I remember family breakfasts when you and Geoff were kids. It was worse than going out to slaughter the cow. If we ordered pancakes, they’d go out and find a field. Then they’d plow it and sow it with wheat. When the wheat grew they would harvest it and make flour out of it. Then they’d make the pancakes. I would tell this joke over and over until you were so hungry you couldn’t even hear it. And it was only funny the first time, not the 501st.
Have you ever just had your meal forgotten? It sucks. It’s so sad to just sit there and wait for something that is never coming and you’re so hungry.
That’s appalling. IMHO, if it takes 15 minutes for your meal to show up, you shouldn’t have to pay for it. The restaurant hires people to make sure your table’s meal is processed correctly - if they can’t do that, they need to fix it. I mean, sure, sometimes a meal comes out a minute or two after the rest of the table. But 15 minutes? Or more? Not cool.
Well, I hope that’s the last time you eat at the IHOP, Greg!
Oh, that sux!!! I hope you got your food soon, Greg!
Also, next time try sushi with a large group. That way everyone has to wait, since they don’t have the “our food will get cold” excuse. Muwhahahahahaha.