I don’t mean to get all Chandler Bing on you, but I have found that I can’t sustain a relationship with any girl who doesn’t have a pretty good name. If she has a bad name, it will bother me. It will irritate me. Eventually it will haunt me. And eventually we will break up.
I once dated a girl named Mariah. This couldn’t last because I had a golden retriever as a kid named Mariah. It was impossible for me to separate the girl from my memories of my childhood dog. It didn’t help that both Mariahs were redheads.
I dated another girl named Melody. I knew this wouldn’t end up well. What if she wanted to name our kids Octave, Chorus, and G-flat?
I dated another girl named Rhetta. All I could think of was Rhett Butler, Clark Gable’s character in Gone With the Wind. It interfered with, well, just about everything, but particularly the things that were important. There are certain times when I just don’t need to be picturing Clark Gable.
One of the first loves of my life was named Jessica, which proves the entire point I’m making. Jessica is a completely neutral name. It could be good or bad; there’s no way to tell. It was the absolute perfect name to start with, because it was a blank slate. (She turned out to be very nice, and so I am predisposed to like Jessicas.)
Once I crushed hard on a Stephanie, and I don’t think it was because it felt good whenever I could make her laugh. It’s just a very good name. It starts out with three syllables, but can easily be shortened to “Steph.” It is a flexible, adaptable name well suited for the rigors of love.
Some guys tell me that they like brunettes, or that they are “ass men.” I say that I’m an “assonance man,” with particular emphasis on hard consonants at the beginning and smooth sibilants at the end. People look at me funny when I say things like this, but that’s fine: they are the ones who will end up married to someone with a bad name, not me.
I don’t want to overstate my point. I am not saying that a bad name will rule someone out entirely. Naturally, my preference is not live out my golden years with a Margot or a Leticia. But even if the name “Leticia” sounds like a cat parting ways with a hairball, it can easily be shortened to the breathy, friendly, inviting “Tish.” If there’s one thing I understand about relationships, it’s the need for sacrifice and compromise.
Hahaha, great post.
Pretty much anyone else I’ve ever known with my name has been a horrible and mean bee-yotch! So I say to my friends, “Don’t hate me in spite of my name.”
Leticia sounds even more like a hairball if you are an Aussie trying to say the Brazilian pronounciation correctly, apparently. My daughter’s best friend is “Le-(clear throat) (soft ch) i (hiss like a snake) (spit) a”.
We don’t invite her around very often.
Aww, shucks. Looks like it’s curtains for us, then isn’t it? At least you spelled it right though, Margo without a T has always looked abrupt and abbreviated to me. I am, of course, biased though!
Margot, you’re still in. If “Harrington” is really your last name, that means it’s like Anne Baxter’s character, Eve Harrington, from All About Eve. That’s hot.
I have total name prejudice. I have never known a “Tyler” who wasn’t extremely odd or dangerous or on the run from the law. I have zero friends (anymore) named Tyler.
...and also, this whole conversation is very Jerry Seinfeld. We might as well be hating on people who eat their peas one at a time.
I’m a Jennifer. 3 syllables and can easily be shortened to Jen, Jenni or Niffy (as you’ll note is part of my email address). Fits the flexible and adaptable qualifications.
So.....?
My husbands name is the sole reason I started dating him in the first place.
My wife’s best friend Castratia has a hard time finding dates.
Wait a minute ... women have NAMES?!? Wow, that explains a lot.
I always thought the name “Stephanie” had one too many syllables. And it’s particularly pestiferous when someone mis-spells it with an “f” rather than a “ph”. That’s just lazy.
Does Lily work? Is short, and ii has nothing to hide…
My friend wants to set me up on a date with a guy named Dustin. :(
So what do you? Skim the phone book and cold call women with good names? Can’t be any worse than eHarmony.
Girls name of Blossom and Yukon must be ruled out also?
You are being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/09/five-star-friday-edition-23.html
I have met more dogs named Tasha than people. My online friends bark at me when they email me. Woof! I’ve also met a ton of black girls named Tasha. There was a guy that had a locker next to mine in 11th grade that called me “Jill” because he said I looked more like a Jill than a Tasha.
I figure this is a good a time as any to come out and tell you I have an internet crush on you. And my name is Jessica. It is the will of Thor that you email me back, clearly. And who are you to deny Thor? You want lightning bolts hitting your house? I thought not.
I can say the same about a guy’s last name. I once dated a guy with the last name Dicks and another Flaker. Just don’t see that working out long term.