Maybe I should go on a diet. I’m not overweight, but I’m no longer rail thin. In high school, I made David Bowie look like a binge eater.
It’s just my stomach. It’s bulgy. It’s Staypuffy. I don’t need to lose a lot. Just a few pounds. Just to regain some tone. I don’t need six-pack abs. I’ll settle for a three-pack and a few bottles.
How did this happen? It must be my age. I can feel my metabolism slowing down. When I watch a Buffy rerun, it often takes me longer than ten seconds to name the season.
I exercise, and keep a healthy ratio of 50% actually going to the gym and 50% blowing it off. Which isn’t bad, considering that I feel very guilty about the times I flake. That kind of stress burns calories like paper in fire.
I think the main problem is that I cut corners in terms of healthy eating. Of course, there was that time that I had a dinner of nothing but vegetables and tofu...back in 1994. The effects have probably worn off by now.
There’s junk food to consider. I eat a few frozen pizzas here and there, but so what? They contain the four major food groups: pepperoni, sausage, cheese, and crust.
Then there’s the pastries and other snacks lying around the office. They’re everywhere. For example, when I think about the times I absent-mindedly nibbled on something junky today, it was...let me think…
8:40 a.m.
11:14 a.m.
1:10 p.m.
3:35 p.m.
4:45 p.m.
Okay, so there could be some improvement there.
My niece doesn’t have to worry about her metabolism. She’s a baby. Over the July 4th weekend, she stuffed her face with voluminous portions of Cheerios, tomato, and oatmeal and she didn’t gain any weight. Although she is developing her vocabulary nicely. She can now say:
- “Mama”
- “Bye bye”
- “No no”
- “A moderate nominee for the Supreme Court would help prevent the resurgence of the filibuster issue.”
There is one other part of my diet that I should consider. I should consider…
...oh my God, no…
.......beer?
I mean, how bad is beer, really? Sometimes I go out to lunch with the other Greg and we polish off a couple of those Godzilla-sized Sapporo bottles. But isn’t there a rule that says you’re okay as long as you drink slightly under your body weight? I’m sure that’s a rule. Here, let me Google that. I’ll use the strategic search words “body weight” and “beer”....
.......nothing. Stupid Google. It costs $500 a share but it doesn’t even tell me stuff I know is true. I hope Looksmart kicks your ass.
Jesus, there’s just no escaping it. If I do this thing, I’d have to cut out the beer.
Suddenly, I feel the need to rhapsodize.
Oh beer
You are fine when
Nestled in my stomach
If you were not nestled in my stomach
Would you be nestled in the stomach of someone that’s true to you?
I dislike it when people take prose sentences, insert random line breaks, and call it “poetry.” However, I feel as though my beer poem is a masterpiece. I should submit it to a literary journal.
Eh, you know what--screw it. If I’m trapped in a blizzard and need to survive without food until I’m rescued, I’ll desperately want the extra pounds. Why would I put my life in jeopardy by trying to lose them?
Excellent point. I think I’ll go have a beer.
Beer at 6:05 AM? That’s dedication, man.
well said, and i especially like that you end with a logical argument about a blizzard. because you just never know what the world can bring your way. it’s best to be prepared for any eventuality. yes. it is.
Let me know when you figure out how to get rid of the bulge.
Try this thought experiment:
Visualize your Dad as he looked July 4th weekend
Visualize your Dad’s body with your own face
Conclusion drawn from thought experiment:
You need to cut out the beer and eat less Pizza.
P.S.
“beer” is lower case, because all beer tastes the same, s----y.
“Pizza” is capitalized because the 11th Commandment handed down on Mt. Sinai was, “eat less unleavened bread and eat pizza instead”
You underestimate the dehydration factor...there’s got to be a tipping point, if you drink enough beer, you will be losing moisture weight. That’s what I keep telling myself.
* puffy is the new black
* you’ll enjoy those pizzas more if you defrost them first. warning: filling may be hot. better keep plenty of beer on hand.
Welcome to my world!
Well, you’re probably 1/10th of my world, but still.
What season was Buffy in when Angel started? They’re showing the episodes where Buffy goes to college on FX, and I don’t see any Cordie.
Also, I’ve had two dogs in my life, one was named “Darla” and the other, “Buffy”.
Creepy. I think it means that vampires are real.
It is like my husband wrote that whole post! Now I am creeped out, maybe he has an alternate persona?
Anyway, your ode to beer was just AWESOME, man! Let’s go down to the pub to celebrate!
Buffy went to college in season 4, and Angel began at that time, taking Cordy with him.
I’ve still got it.
Greg, you could visually lose 20 lbs. of belly fat if you would eliminate that puffy brown leather jacket from your wardrobe. If you do this, I will buy you a case of beer.
And a pizza.
low rise jeans with flaired ankles work too!
Great, now John Cougar Mellencamp is singing “Paper in Fire” in my head, and this just when I managed to get “Jack and Diane” evicted after months of hanging around not helping me pay rent. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
I drink Amstel Light, by the way, but I’m a wuss.
I’m more than slightly depressed about just how much I relate to this post. But beer is GOOD. Sigh.
Hey, but you exercise 50% of the time. You could just up that to 60%, cut out two of your work day snacks and switch to thin crust. I’m certain that in no time you’ll be rail thin again. If that doesn’t work, you could always try fidgeting.
Sapporo is fine! I mean, if all of the sumo wrestlers drink it, and stay in good physical shape....
Uh, never mind.
What? Greg is getting puffy? The women of the world sigh, shake their heads, and quietly move on to their second choice… in other news, Brad Pitt starts a blog to attract women who can see him for the witty person he is on the inside.
lipo man. lipo. it’s the OC way. how do you think i keep those hips all shapely?
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” -Ben Franklin
This is my daily 5 p.m. mantra and I live faithfully by it.
Never give up beer. And in the big bottles, it’s Kirin Ichiban, not Sapporo. Hand crafted is better, either way. Love the Ben Franklin quote. It is so true, so true in fact that I have a t-shirt that says so. But this Dean Martin quote may just rival it:
“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”