For my recent birthday, some friends bought me a poker set. The part that really touched me was that they included an automatic card shuffler. This indicated a thorough, precise understanding of my character--or rather, it indicated a great deal of prior annoyance as they’ve had to watch me try to shuffle cards. I can’t shuffle cards. And shuffling via “52-Card Pick Up” gets old fast.
It got me to thinking of other gifts that would be similarly appropriate for addressing flaws in my character:
Sports for Dummies. Although I’d probably only get through the chapter on mud wrestling.
Martini Maker. Provides just the right kiss of vermouth to the vodka, resulting in the perfect martini and preventing the need for manually figuring out the highly complex vodka/vermouth ratio. Best if gift is accompanied with a Walther PPK and a car that can turn into a submarine.
Small Talk Generator. Just sit back and relax; this voice-activated device does all the hard work for you, finding just the right response and intonation for discussing important issues with your colleagues such as “Repairing roof shingles,” “Babies and the cute things they do,” “Those wacky kids in The Apprentice,” and “Ha! The weather. Yeah, just tell me about the weather.”
Gift Wrapping Machine. I don’t even try to wrap gifts. Instead, I embrace my complete lack of wrapping talent and go all kamikaze on them. I cram a gift into the paper, smother it with tape, and stomp a bow on it with a song of joyous anarchy in my heart. It’s my way of paying tribute to the chaos that rules our lives. I shove gifts at people and say “Never mind the Sex Pistols; here’s your damn present.”
Snore B Gone. I’m actually working on a way to deal with my snoring habit using a method called “subconscious ventriloquism.” While sleeping, I can cast my voice elsewhere. So far this method has greatly improved my life, although it’s caused three couples on the floor above me to file for divorce.
Happy birthday! It was yesterday, wasn’t it? I went to another birthday dinner last night and had all-you-can-eat sushi. Hope you did something equally fun.
Happy belated Birthday!
In case you don’t get the Gift-Wrapping machine anytime soon, there is an invention called the Gift Bag. These are specifically designed for the wrapping challenged. Enjoy!!!
ok, i will BE your gift-wrapping machine, i used to get paid to do that. it sucked, but a girl’s gotta eat.
in return, if you ever get a lead on the small-talk device, grab one for me, too, will you?
cheers.
and yes, a very happy birthday to you.
Happy recent birthday. The poker set RULES! I was drooling over an official set the other day, which was caused by my recent obsession with Texas Hold ‘em.
I would love a Talking-During-Movies-Silencer too. It’s a gun you can point at those rude mofos in the theatres who like to narrate what’s going on on the screen. I’ve seen it work! It’s amazing!
Hoppy Birtday, as my First Nations friends are known to say.
I have, in fact, discovered the elusive Gift-Wrapping-Machine...it was right under my nose the whole time. It’s my 9-year-old daughter! You have got to get one of these Greg! Unfortunately for all involved, my 5-year-old is like a chorus effect for my own snoring. Ah...la vida.
Small talk generator?? genius.
I agree with DirtyDanSin. When I was growing up I was the designated gift wrapper in my family for a while. It made me feel important, but then I realized it was just a racket on my parents’ part, like when they called me the Dust Fairy.
Maybe you could get your niece in on this in a couple of years? When she’s old enough to be trusted with scissors?
Gimmy has the right idea. (you, too.)
And happy birthday!
Isn’t “Sports for Dummies” rather like “String Theory for Physicists”? Instead you need “Sports for Smartypantses” or the more specialized “Mud Wrestling for Literate Marketing Managers.”
So when was your birthday?
my present-wrapping usually includes duct tape, wire hangers, rubber bands, spray adhesive, sharpie markers....
greg, the properly made martini contains no vermouth.
what is vermouth?
Happy belated birthday. The wisdom of your years is clearly shown in your perseverance to mix the perfect martini rather than giving up and drinking jello shots.
(This is a good thing)
Happy birthday, Greg. I believe you’re now officially “older than Christ.”
You want a small talk generator? Maybe there’s a way to transplant my mum into your throat. A belated Happy Birthday, anyway!
Happy birthday!
frank - “string theory for physicists” made me spit out my tea. thanks for that very necessary laugh this evening.
and J. - only if he lives past easter ...
not to get technical, but martinis are made wth gin.
oh, and PS: happy birthday!!
I bet I can wrap presents worse than you. I’m a disgrace.
And happy b-day!