File under Issue-driven campaigns:
Trading insults with his political enemies, Senator John Kerry bitterly railed against what he called “the Republican attack squad that specializes in trying to destroy people.” His aides reportedly ran to calm Kerry down before his eyes turned green, his shirt ripped, and he morphed into Howard Dean.
File under Cheap onanism jokes:
George Michael is retiring from the music business. Let’s give him a hand--whoops, too late.
File under Should have put in list of minority groups it’s acceptable to discriminate against:
Indie bands that try to get a cheap hit by covering some relatively recent, much-loved song. And if you’re going to cover “Laid,” you damn well better hit the high notes in “Prettttyyyyyyyyyy” as well as the guy from James.
File under: Total badass:
I’ve had a pair of mirrored closet doors lying around my living room for a week because the city’s recycling department won’t pick up bulky items from multi-unit dwellings--and even if they did, they won’t pick up mirrored closet doors. So, you know, that’s two strikes. Today I looked the closet doors in the face--although it was actually my face since they were mirrored doors--and challenged them to a fight. They accepted. We battled it out. It got nasty. We didn’t play fair. But by the end of the scrap, they were broken and shattered and lying in the dumpster.
You might say that I should pick on someone my own size. Well, it’s true...they’re not my size. They’re seven feet. And I still totally won.
In fact, I kicked their glass.
Okay, that was worse than the pun I made involving Windex and “You know what I’m sprayin’”.
Dude, those old mirrored closet doors were just a nail gun away from being a MIRRORED CEILING. You have to think these things through. As the song goes, “Breaking up (mirrored closet doors) is shard to do.”
Oh and by the way, mirrored closet doors? Man, there’s more George Michael jokes right there than I can shake a stick at.
i’m way out of my league here.
Greg Howard. Writing about the things that shatter. err, matter.
You just earned yourself several million years of bad luck. Not just for breaking the mirrors, but for GLOATING about it.
Oh well, them’s the breaks.
Not like I needed it, but now I have even more reason to adore George Michael. Shut up.
Greg, I think attacking those defenseless mirrored doors was a terrible thing to do. Now go reflect on what you’ve done.
My image of you has totally turned around.
I can’t seem to stop picturing about 20 little Greg Howards jumping out of the broken pieces, and battling it out with the big guy.
Did you keep any pieces of the mirror to stick to your shoe?
I can’t help envisioning Greg as Bruce Lee in the final ‘Hall of Mirrors’ battle against the evil Han in Enter The Dragon.
Damn you, Dirty Dan Sin. You took the words right outta my mouth.
Why did I know you would go there?
So you got rid of them...good.
I’m afraid, Greg, that knowing you actually HAD mirrored closet doors, I must completely rethink my opinion of you, actually maybe it’s not my opinion, but merely my image, or shall we say, your image . . uh, I think I’m gonna shut up now. And scrub my mind clean.