Although I’m upset that I developed athlete’s foot well before any sign of athlete’s abs, I have still taken some pride in the development. I have attempted to share this pride with others:
ME: I have athlete’s foot!
SHE: You mean the thing with the...the…
ME: ...fungus!
SHE: That is so gross.
ME: No. It means I’ve been paying studious attention to my physical health!
SHE: There’s other ways to get athlete’s foot other than being an athlete.
ME: Shut up.
SHE: Have you been wearing different shoes?
ME: Okay look, I never had it until I bought those form-fitting cotton socks from Costco. But I do not think they are the cause!
SHE: I don’t want to talk about this. It’s gross.
(The next day):
ME: Hello again! Are you ready to discuss my fungus?
SHE: NO.
For a while I let the condition fester. But the skin began to look red, scaly, and misshapen, as though I had accidentally stepped into a lobster that subsequently attached itself to my foot. So I reluctantly started applying medicine. This itself was educational—I had many potential medicines to choose from at the drugstore, and almost picked up one that said “FOR WOMEN ONLY.” Seriously, who says there aren’t fundamental differences between the genders? They don’t even get foot fungus the same.
And now the medicine is starting to work and my foot is going back to normal, and I sense a little piece of my specialness disappearing with it. My only consolation is that I can probably get it back simply by going on some extended runs wearing Costco cotton socks. I can tell you, that is a very nice feeling to have.
If you really want to gross her out, start peeing in the shower. There’s an enzyme in your urine that will eat the fungus just as well as medication. Then you’re saving money, fixing your foot AND poking the caged bear with a sharp stick all at the same time. It’s win win!
Are you certain the For Women Only med was for the feet?
Euwwwwww…
I’m grossed out on so many levels.
so did you have to wear crocs when you were in the shower?
Man, it’s love this internet thing i feel for you. I found this post cute and hilarious.... It’s definitely love.
Unless it was accompanied by jock itch, the fungus wasn’t caused by athleticism.
That was really so gross. A lady with an athlete’s foot? But, good for you, ‘twas cured, it’s very embarrassing when your crush found that out.
Peeing on your feet helps prevent and/or cure athlete’s foot.
and the sting from jellyfish.
Yes, I learned that from Friends.