I didn’t expect any helpful energy-saving tips when I opened up the newsletter from Pacific Gas & Electric Company, but I thought at least maybe I would get a useful reminder such as “Wear sweaters in the house.” That’s a useful tip. I’m completely okay with getting that tip. Instead I read: “Lower the thermostat five degrees from where you would normally have it. You’d be surprised how much energy you can save.”
Oh, well, I didn’t even think about how easy it might be to simply lower the thermostat. That’s just brilliant. Except for the fact that at the height of winter--when the icy, death-white fingers of the Norwegian Frost Giants curl around your throat with bone-chilling ease--five degrees in your house is the difference between wanting to play sand volleyball in your living room and curling up on the carpet, desperately trying to hibernate until the St. Bernard can find you with his barrel of bourbon. Five degrees is nothing to simply write off. I couldn’t even the read the rest of the newsletter; I knew it would be stuff like “Think warm thoughts. If that doesn’t work, think warmer thoughts.”
Screw you, PG&E. I’m presenting my own tips for staying warm. That’s right. This site, which is completely unaffiliated with your corrupt and morally bankrupt institution, is willing to shoulder your burden and provide the energy saving tips that all right-thinking people need to survive the chilly months ahead. You can save energy and warm up by:
1. Getting in bar fights.
2. Dancing around the room playing air guitar to Franz Ferdinand’s “Your Diary.”
3. Calling your friends and relatives whom you’re steamed at and get into blood-raising shouting matches.
4. Reading the blogs in your daily feeds out loud, acting out the posts with elaborate hand gestures and reciting the words in a heavy Scottish brogue.
5. Drinking Irish coffee with breakfast, hot buttered rum with lunch, and hot toddies with dinner. Food optional.
6. Taking a hot bath with red food coloring in the water; turn on the shower and pretend it’s the last days of Krakatoa.
7. Buying up remaindered Ann Coulter books and starting bonfires all over town.
8. Juggling midgets.
You’re welcome.
Icy, death white fingers? Hibernation? Bone-chilling ease? Am I mistaken, or don’t you actually live in California? It sounds like you live here in Minnesota with me. It’s about 10 degrees outside my window right now. I could tell you a thing or two about cold!
The thing is, it was in the 80’s last week here in Arizona, then plunged into the 40’s about midweek.
And it’s a dry cold.
#4 made me snort and I will now be going back and re-reading this post in such a manner. I’m a little chilly. #5 just made me thirsty.
Shopping list:
bread
milk
orange juice
cookies
shampoo
midgets
You didn’t put mink underwear on your XMas wish list. Perhaps we should consider that for you.
Mink underwear? Maybe it was your dad and not your mom who infuenced the purchase of that gaytastic Judy Blume diary.
Do the midgets approve of this?
Drinking, midgets, Ann Coulter and red food colouring. All in one post. I bow down.
#1 is my favorite...no surprise there.
But I discovered one last night, to my sweaty surprise...live with a cat and make it sleep on your feet!
Props to atmikha for making me laugh with “it’s a dry cold.” Thanks!
The suggestions here are… verrae gud. Aye espeshuallae enjoy tha brrrogue wun.
I love the bath idea. Ace !
Or you could look at jpegs of Mark Ruffalo. I’m… just saying.
No, Lana, for Greg that would be Peter Scolari.
And ”whom you’re steamed at...” Proper use of the often confusing objective pronoun “whom” can also keep warm those men whose mothers gave them Judy Blume diaries.
In college, the university spread sand on the icy sandwalks. Apparently it was for better traction but given that it really didn’t do much except get my shoes muddy, I like to think they were just trying to trick us into thinking we were at the beach.
Peter Scolari? Would that be “THE OTHER BOSOM BUDDY?”