Don’t.
Don’t let the best man use a black Lexus for the bride and groom’s transportation. Sure, it looks nice. But apparently there is a branch of Chinese tradition that considers black to be an unlucky color for a wedding car. Imagine a suburban lawn covered with elderly relatives whose jaws drop when you arrive.
Corollary: Don’t suggest riding with the bride and groom because “my whiteness will offset the evil of the car.” No such loophole exists in the tradition. Although it should, because it totally makes sense.
Don’t smuggle tiny bottles of Jack Daniels in the pockets of your tux, because it looks like you’re happier to see the bridesmaids than you actually are.
Corollary: Next time, get all Sarah about it and strap a flask to your leg.
Don’t sit way up front near the dance floor, because this means when the dragon dancers start, you will have a ringside view of dragon ass. Later, when giving red envelopes to the dancers (containing money, a tradition for rewarding people who help with the wedding), suppress urge to say “I’m looking forward to staring at the buttocks of other mythical creatures, such as a chimera and perhaps a phoenix.”
Don’t befriend someone who will use Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” for the first dance. Because, well, then you have to sit and listen to it. Although it’s almost worth it to see an advance copy of the wedding agenda where someone scribbled “Remember: Give Armageddon soundtrack to DJ.”
Don’t miss the chance to take advantage of the Chinese tradition of giving a gift in the form of money. I love bridal registries, since they take all the stress out of gift buying, but this tradition is even better because it cuts out the middleman. As Danny Devito said in David Mamet’s movie Heist, “Everyone needs money. That’s why they call it money!”
Do.
Presume that the bridesmaids speech is going to be very sentimental, as well as basically inaudible because it’s given by a bunch of nervous girls fumbling with a microphone, meaning that it may be possible to get away with this for the groomsmen speech.
Posted by Greg at 06:02 PM. Filed under:
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another DO that I hope you achieved:
DO get comically drunk and dance like you were actually born with rhythm. i tried to do that at a wedding this weekend.
i’m thinking this list would be much different if written by a woman. like, “DO: wear waterproof mascara in case you bawl your eyes out during the first dance. you will most likely bawl your eyes out, but with normal mascara you’ll do it messily.”
there’s probably something about having sex with the groomsmen, but it’s 7:45 a.m. over here, and my mind doesn’t work that way at this time.
thanks for the giggle about the chimera.
so he heard the first paragraph, knows who you are, and thought you were about to bust out some keats? i assume this fellow didn’t have a phd in humor.
Greg, even though you’re rubbing my face in your PhDness like the arrogant asshole you are (and whom we all love, of course), I want to make it clear that that isn’t the reason why I’m writing this note to you.
Instead, I am writing this note to you for two reasons: one, you are quoting Heist, which I think is a good thing, and gives me a chance to put in another quote from the beginning of the film:
Vendor:
Hey, buddy, you forgot your change.
Hackman:
(holds up bills in thanks) Makes the world go ‘round.
Lindo:
What’s that?
Hackman:
Gold.
Lindo:
Some people say love.
Hackman:
Ehh, they’re right too. It is love. Love of gold.
This bit of dialogue can have especial resonance for a person if he’s been unemployed for three months watching heist movies.
The second reason I’m writing is because it seems to me that you are making fun of Paula Abdul in your typical snarky way. I will not abide this. I still wholeheartedly love Paula Abdul. Keep in mind also that the video for her number one hit, “Straight Up,” was directed by David Fincher. This weighs in my mind because, despite my abject poverty, I bought the Alien Quadrilogy box and of course the first thing I put in my player was the extended version of Alien3, Fincher’s debut.
You know, I think you get to see some serious alien ass in that version too.
Congratulations to your friends on their wedding.
James, Heist is probably my favorite movie about a retired thief called in for one last job. And, y’know, there are a lot of ‘em.
And I wasn’t really making fun of Paula. While there was snark present in the speech, the bride and groom love cheesy top 40 music, so it was a gentle tribute to them as well as wholesome, family-friendly sarcasm.
I’ve gotten into a spat for wearing a black T-shirt on Independence Day. It doesn’t go well with the ones with the Right to Bear Cudgels.
And I thought His PhD-ness would appreciate the algorithmic approach to music that Top40 stations employ!
Romy says, “there’s probably something about having sex with the groomsmen” How about with the bridesmaids? I’m not asking -it’s a MYOB. But, you were gone from sight when your Mom and I left!
P.S. We LOVED meeting your fiancee!
Fiancee?
Uh...Greg...is there something you want to tell us?
haha! your dad totally just hijacked your comment box.
Other important don’t:
Keep parental units away from wedding.
And friends. And planet.
..and your blog!
sometimes I am laughing too hard to think of something witty to say but really want to let you know that I came and read and laughed. So there.
i was so hoping for “dont follow the egg rolls with a bottle of bourbon and vomit on the maid of honor in mid dance.”
Hey, except for walking into the pond, I was perfectly well behaved and kept your private life private. Actually, it was a wonderful wedding, filled with both pathos and humor (Greg was not the only one). Still on the planet…
...and on your blog.
Greg, I think I want to kidnap your parents and have them as my own. Just so you know.
I wish i could have been there, enought dont’s on that list to make the wedding interesting i think!
abs x
you’re so invited to my wedding.
greg! you have a fiancee? this totally ruins my plot to marry you next week.
:-
I love you for using my name as an adjective, or noun, or whatever that was.
P.S. I was totally an English major. I also totally used to have a boyfriend. THINGS CHANGE.
I know it was really an adjective. Also, I’m not really that bitter.
Different people in all countries take the mortgage loans in different banks, because it’s simple and comfortable.
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