I strongly believe in religious tolerance, but I can’t figure out people who worship the Devil. There’s no way to do anything that will make the Devil happy; he’s just pissed off in general. Why would you want to do the bidding of someone whose sole purpose is to lie and be evil? Devil worshippers should ponder this question carefully, and so should people who work for Karl Rove.
I suppose the Devil could give you riches and fame in this earthly life or something, but I’m not convinced he actually does that. For example, have you heard anyone give thanks to Satan after winning an academy award? I was pretty sure Jennifer Hudson was going to--she loses on American Idol and goes on to win an oscar? I sensed the presence of dark forces. But no, she thanked God profusely, and despite the win I’m not convinced she’s a very good actress so I believe her. (There is a theory, however, that you can play Marisa Tomei’s old oscar acceptance speech backwards and she says “I owe everything to the Lord of the Flies and also I want to give a special shout out to my man Belial.")
What kind of payoff do Satanists expect? With the other guy there’s eternal happiness and no canker sores and all that. What is the Devil going to say when you finally show up?
“Well, uh, thanks for all the worship and sacrifices and whatnot. Okay, you’ll be located in Pit of Agony #137. Asmodeus will take you down there. Okay, so long and have a nice eternity.”
“Wait! I was faithful to you my whole life! Isn’t there a reward for me?”
“Oh, uh. Well. This is awkward. No, basically, you get to writhe in eternal torment just like everyone else. I mean, hello, I’m the ruler of Hell--not Fiji.”
“But I did so much for you. Don’t I get any special consideration?”
“Oh, uh, right. I did install a CD player over your pit to help drown out the screams of the damned. You should dig that.”
“Cool, thanks!”
“Right, but uh, unfortunately it only plays Abba’s Greatest Hits.”
You’ve never read The Satanic Bible, have you? It makes a certain amount of sense when you read it - an eye for an eye instead of turning the other cheek type of stuff. And especially now that the official Church of Satan has banned human sacrifice, it’s a lot more appealing to the average person.
Satanism isn’t really about worshiping the devil or doing things to ensure you make it into hell, not like Christianity is about worshiping god and doing things to ensure you make it into heaven. It’s about living your life without the confines of what the Bible says you have to do and be to be ‘good’. It’s more anti-god than pro-Satan.
How’s that for a serious answer to a funny post? *grin*
I’ve heard that comment a lot--the Satanic Bible is a reasonable document, etc. But what makes it the real document? Maybe it’s apocryphal and the real Satanic Bible is “Diary of a Shopaholic” by Sophia Kinsella.
This reminded me of an old Far Side comic. The title was “nerds in hell” and one guy was smiling to the other guy saying “Hot enough for ya?”
(Hilarious post).
I always wonder if Satan would have become as famous if he was named Stan.
My vote for the most devlish document is Project for the New American Century.
might get ya a cool motorbike and head of flames!
You should make an effort to hear “Old Harry’s Game” on BBC radio (as well as on CD). Very satanic in a way you might appreciate.
Yaay! The Geese is back!
oh, i guess you haven’t seen <a href=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_f360F5W48>the news</a> ...
(oops. sorry. i thought that would show up hyperlinked.)
So where does Purgatory fall in this spectrum of eternal resting places?
Your post gave me a chuckle.
To address Mac, though. Anton LaVey, the founder of the Church of Satan, did not advocate a belief in a literal devil. He didn’t center his faith on an actual angel that betrayed god and thus was sent to rule the underworld.
He believed in the power of self determination and that one was ultimately responsible to one’s self, not to any deity. He chose Satan as the focus for his religion, not as a literal replacement for God, but because, in western religion, Lucifer is the perfect poster boy for saying, “Screwit, you can’t tell me what to do. I answer to nobody.”
That’s where modern Satanism came from, ideologically. They don’t really worship Beelzebub in any literal way.
This is not to confuse “Satanists,” denizens of the Church of Satan with “Devil Worshipers,” who are mostly beered up high school kids who think vandalizing graveyards is a good way to get attention.
i still like the far side strip with the demon going to the office coffee pot and exclaiming
“dang it! the coffee’s cold!”
Diary of a Shopaholic? No way. The Devil Wears Prada, by virtue of sheer awfulness. The title is just a happy coincidence.