Are you in debt? We can help you consolidate all of your finances into one, easy-to-pay bill. You’ll end up paying 95% more interest, but hey, it’s on a single bill, so it’s really convenient. Preferably you are a homeowner, so we can take your hous--er, that is, help facilitate the consolidation.

Have you been in a car accident? Of course you have. You may not have thought it was an accident, but remember when that VW swerved into the lane in front of you last week? The emotional shock probably gave you whiplash. Or worse. In fact, you could be walking around right now with a steering wheel sticking out of your chest and everyone’s been too polite to tell you. You need a qualified lawyer right now.

Do you need a new career? Call Control Technical Beta Institute. Our daytime and nighttime classes can help make you a rocket scientist. That’s right--a brand-new career as a rocket scientist. Help build the rockets. Help land the rockets. Help shine and buff the rockets. You only need to have passed kindergarten to qualify. And if we can’t find you a job as a rocket scientist upon graduation, we guarantee that we’ll find you a comparable one--like, say, assistant to a dental hygienist.

Do you have social anxiety? You need Paxocedrin. It’ll make you laugh. It’ll make you sing. Everyone will love you. You’ll be the life of the party for the rest of your life. (Warning: side effects may include chronic diarrhea, impotence, and tourette’s syndrome.)