1. You hear tons about the first Noel, and absolutely nothing about the sequels. I wonder if they were really all that terrible. Were they as bad as, say, “Grease 2”?

2. The line isn’t “Across the bridge and through the woods”; it’s ”Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house we go.” Who in their right mind jumps into a river with what is presumably a horse-drawn carriage? I can imagine the grandmother’s reaction when the soaked, bedraggled family finally shows up on her doorstep: “Oh my goodness. What
happened to all of you?” “Oh, Dad was sucking down the hot-buttered rum again and decided to take a plunge into the rapids.”

3. If you think about it, it’s pretty rude to say “God rest ye merry gentlemen.” It’s like turning out the lights on a party that’s still in
progress. “God Rest ye merry gentleman!” “Uh, thanks, but we’re still feeling pretty merry.” “Well, but rest ye.” “No, we’re going to stay up late and scarf more spiked eggnog.” “But--” “Look, get out of our face.”

4. I don’t happen to believe there’s anything immoral about “donning now our gay apparel.” Heck, I personally own a couple of sweaters that are pretty borderline.

5. It’s strange to think that, at some point in human history, people thought that a “one horse open sleigh” was more fun to ride than a two or three horse open sleigh. People actually wanted less horsepower, not more. Whereas now we’re like, “You don’t have a V6 engine? What are you, a high school teacher?”