Much like a salmon swimming upstream, every five years or so I find myself returning to a particular point on the map--Disneyland.  It calls out to me and I must answer.

There is always learning in store at Disneyland. For example--how much will the little clam-chowder-in-a-bread-bowl thingie cost this year? Shouldn’t the “Princess Fantasy Faire” be relocated to a more adult park, based on the name alone? If you speak to the actress playing Jasmine in Arabic, will she be able to answer?

This time, my friend and I found ourselves talking a lot about kids and how one should treat them while at Disneyland. My first rant was about taking very, very young kids in the first place. My niece is four, and she hasn’t gone yet--because, according to my brother, she’ll be too young to remember anything. I agree with this wholeheartedly. What’s up with all the strollers?  Why not stay in your living room, put your babies in a stroller, and spin them around until they’re dizzy? That’s about the equivalent of going to Disneyland as far as they’re concerned.

Also, if you do bring young children, don’t put them in Woody’s Halloween Roundup, which is an arts and crafts tutorial:

You want your kids to compete in the real world. Make them toughen up and ride Space Mountain, not make little crummy arts and crafts.  Disneyland is not a goddamn kindergarten class.

On the flip side, though, don’t scare the hell out of your kids. We were riding Pirates, and my friend overheard the parents telling their four year old: “See over there? It’s a dead person!  See that? They’re shooting at each other?  Oooh, scary!” And then afterward they said “Did you like the ride?” “NO,” screamed the boy and burst into tears. It’s okay to help your children separate fantasy from reality, people. That’s actually part of the parental job description.

Otherwise, kids won’t know whether this sort of image is fantasy or reality:

(Hint: it’s reality.)

My friend and I split on the subject of leashes. Is it okay to keep your kid on one?

She says “no.” Even if the kid doesn’t seem to mind at the time, she feels he will grow up tainted by the experience and feel diminished as a person.  “And become a furry,” I suggested, although she did not think that was inevitable.

However, I am sympathetic to the idea of leashes.  If I ever became a parent, I would be worried that I would lose or misplace my child. I mean, my luggage gets lost half the time; what might happen if I carted a kid around? That said, I do think the leashes are distasteful.  I regard them the same way I regard reality TV show contestants--I wouldn’t want to legislate them out of existence, but I can’t imagine becoming one myself.

And in regards to how old a kid can be before hanging out at Disneyland just becomes weird?

Your mileage may vary, but my vote is 108.