Light saber clashes deemed too scary for kids. To be replaced by carefully choreographed “Rock Paper Scissors” duels.
The concept of Force as omnipresent, invisible energy field too confusing for kids. New version: Force becomes personified as a cute, fuzzy muppet called “Gigi.”
Original trilogy: Han Solo refuses to join the attack on the Death Star because he’s a mercenary and there’s nothing in it for him. New version: Han becomes a pacifist and marches around rebel base waving “MAKE GALACTIC WAR NO MORE” sign.
Restored Scene. Ben Kenobi: “Luke, I want to show you something that belonged to your father...a light saber. But before I get around to that, let me show you a variety of action figures, games, and other Lucasfilm products available at better toy stores across the galaxy.”
To make trilogy more consistent, Ewoks digitally inserted throughout. For example: an Ewok becomes bartender at cantina on Tatooine. An Ewok pulls the lever that sends Han Solo into carbonite chamber. Little buns on Princess Leia’s head become tiny brown Ewoks.
To make entire series more consistent, Darth Vader takes off helmet several times during each movie to reveal disheveled Hayden Christensen with really bad case of helmet hair. He emotes at the camera, points to himself, and whispers “I used to be good.”
Scrolling exposition at the start of every movie deemed too confusing. New version: All scrolling text is replaced by lyrics to feel-good southern classic “My Old Kentucky Home.”
All model effects replaced by CGI.
All actors replaced by CGI.
If ever an artist mucked up his masterpiece when he should have let it lie, it’s Lucas. Sorry for the alliteration.
i’m a little concerned about what’s going to happen when yoda starts urging luke to “use” gigi.
yes, but since the last first release of the original trilogy made lucas a trillionnaire, he probably figured this first release of the original trilogy would at least quadruple that. how many damn first times can three movies come out anyway??
(of course, having posted that, i realize the third time is the charm ...)
Didn’t you share this list back in high school...and wasn’t it called ‘Star Wars Wishlist’ at that time?
BTW, thanks a bunch for having a consistently great blog about which I recently had an especially warm & fuzzy moment.
“Recently had an especially warm & fuzzy moment.” Note to self: Do not ask for details.
I once saw an interview with Lucas (during the making of episode one) during which he said something along the lines of “I can’t wait for everything to be CGI. Then I won’t have to deal with actors anymore.”
When will Lucas himself become CGI?! Please, if you’re going to abuse the stuff, do us a favor and CGI yourself, shmuck!
Truth be told, I shared my ‘warm fuzzy moment’ with another reader. I hope that helps, although it may have only made matters worse.
All scrolling text is replaced by lyrics to feel-good southern classic “My Old Kentucky Home.”
for a minute i thought you were going to say it was replaced by that INXS video with the guy and the stack of cue cards.
on other notes, the drugs have killed my brain today. that guy and the stack of cue cards. sheesh!
after seeing hayden in that last disaster of a movie, still the WORST movie i have ever seen just short of weekend at bernies 2, i’m thinking your cgi plan may not be such a bad idea.
Oh thanks a lot Greg, give it away why don’t ya! I was hoping to be surprised....
On that note, I think Hayden should reform his line to be “I used to be not-evil” since he has epically sucked in the galaxy far far away.
“Look, I’m sad!” [scowls]
snowy: The video with the guy from INXS with the stack of cue cards was ripping off Bob Dylan, who did it first.
Greg: You know, I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, and even though there’s a part of me that really really wishes he could have the original trilogy he first saw in 1977, 1980, and 1983 (well, Return of the Jedi not so much really), I’ve come around to the opinion that it’s ultimately Lucas’s decision, and if that’s the way he wants to do it, then fine. Picasso would have repainted pretty much all of his paintings given the opportunity, and no, Lucas is no Picasso (Lucas has been called an asshole many times by many people, for starters), but Lucas had the opportunity and took advantage of it, and so that’s what we get. I’m probably going to end up buying it at some point, when I have money again, but I’m resigned to knowing that I’m at least someone who was lucky enough to have seen the “original” when it first came out, back in the day yo.
You forgot these…
Alec Guiness to be given CGI mullet to integrate seamlessly with Ewan Macgregor pre-quel role.
In the interest of “livening it up a bit”, Grand Moff Tarkin (the late Peter Cushing) to do “Singin’ In The Rain” song and dance after the destruction of Alderaan.
Instead of “Force-choking”, Darth Vader to administer “Force-tickling” to Admiral Ozzel and Captain Needa in TESB.
Bowdlerized Star Wars? Who’d ever have thought it.
snowy and J.- As long as we’re posting about historical accuracy, it wasn’t one guy, it was each member of the band taking turns.
J.—Plenty of people called Picasso an asshole, with good reason.
I’m just waiting for the entire cast to get their own show on the WB, where they will have a chance to work with good scripts and real directors for a change.
John: right. I know. But I was quoting (in a sideways kind of way) Jonathan Richman’s song “Pablo Picasso.” Surely you’ve heard that?
And now a discussion about the merits of Star Wars comes around to the merits of Jonathan Richman, and the internet did not explode.
Actually I wouldn’t have been suprised at all at some of those, particularly the ewoks on Leia’s head.