I think I belong to a new classification of people called “middle-class trash.” My job pays the bills and I can buy stuff now and then, but I don’t have a lot of extravagances in my life. Therefore, when I’m faced with luxury, I have no idea what to do with it.
Case in point: during my trip last week, I waited over an hour in line at the car rental counter. The lady felt sorry for me and gave me a free triple upgrade to a Cadillac.
I almost turned it down. I didn’t know my way around Orlando, and I would have preferred a small car that zips in and out. With a Cadillac, I thought I’d have to hire a first mate to help drive the thing.
“Ahoy, Cap’n! There’s an SUV bearing down on us! We’re on a collision course!”
“How long until we hit?”
“Two hours!”
“How long will it take to turn the steering wheel and avoid it?”
“Three hours! All hands abandon ship.”
But then I realized I wouldn’t be the right demographic to drive a Cadillac for another 50 years, and by that time we’ll all have jetpacks. So this might be my only chance to drive one.
The problem is, I couldn’t figure out which button made the seat go up. I could adjust the back, but not the distance to the pedal. By the second day I had it down cold--in fact, I’d just stroll up the car and the seat would jump out, do a triple somersault, and crouch patiently at my feet--but the first day I left the airport with my head barely poked over the dashboard. I looked like something out of a Shirley Temple movie. And from a distance, it probably looked as though no one was driving the thing at all. Rumors spread quickly about the Ghost Cadillac zooming down highway 436.
The other luxury item that spooked me was the car’s satellite radio. Great music, but no disc jockeys. And the thing is, I hate disc jockeys. I should have loved a radio station that spared me all that inane banter. But for some reason, I started muttering to myself as I drove along, making up for their absence:
“Thanks for tuning in to Satellite Radio. We just heard Something Something, and we’ve got the new single from Something Something coming right up. Don’t touch that dial. And by the way, we can tell if you touch that dial. We’re a satellite and we see everything. For example, you may be interested in knowing your wife is currently sleeping with your business partner and your son is undergoing a gang initiation. Oh, and Ghost Cadillac, you just slid into a family of five.”
Whenever I drive for long distances, my thoughts turn to Dr. Samuel Johnson, and how exactly I would explain to him this whole “horseless carriage” concept. Oh, and I often turn the radio off and listen to myself in my head singing Louis Prima’s “the music goes ‘round and ‘round, whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, and it comes out here.” And I sometimes put the driver’s seat waaaaaaay back and drive with one foot on the steering wheel. It helps you not to fall asleep at the wheel, because YOU’RE DRIVING WITH ONE FOOT ON THE STEERING WHEEL YOU MORON WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!?
Which has nothing to do with your turning into a seventy-nine year old grandpa driving a Caddy--tell me you were in Florida at least. And that your pants were belted mid-chest?
Also: please don’t ever use the phrase “Ghost Cadillac” in your blog ever ever again, or I will be forced to report your activities to Mr. Stephen King, who will then write YET ANOTHER BOOK ABOUT A HAUNTED CAR. And God only knows, nobody wants that.
Been lurking ... Hi! I have XM. It was “my” Christmas gift from my beloved spouse. I love it. Actually, everyone in our family loves it so much it has yet to be installed in my truck.
I like the ‘middle-class trash’ concept. I want to complain as my money runs out a few days before each payday, but find it difficult as I did recently (over a few months) puchase a modest 6.1 surround sound system. Oh, and I drive a Cadillac every day - but can’t afford the repair to make the front windows work again.
Greg, I guaran-damn-tee that you were not the only Caddy driver in Orlando that couldn’t quite see over the steering wheel. Sure, you didn’t have the blue hair that all the other wee drivers had, but you were part of a demographic all right.
LOL.
HAHAHA! “the first day I left the airport with my head barely poked over the dashboard.”
Greg, you should be writing movies.
Someone who feels my pain. In an effort to avoid car payments, I agreed to purchase my folks Oldsmobile 98. It’s been sitting in their garage since they bought a new Town Car. This thing has more buttons than I know what to do with. I drove it last weekend. My Dad put so much armoral on the leather that when I hit the breaks, I slid into the steering wheel. I can feel myself aging 20 years just thinking about owning that car......
I’m buying my mom’s car and it has electric windows. I’m not worthy.
Every time I get a rental car, I spend 15 minutes trying to figure out how to lower the damn steering wheel. I actually drove from Houston to Louisiana with it still in the up position before one of my siblings jumped in and fixed it no problem. Grr…
Welcome back, Greg. I want to hear more about your quote unquote business trip…
HAHAHA. I could totally see you, like that little old lady in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. ha!
it’s funny that caddy is marketing now to a hipper, less-moribund population. What will happen when you get a bunch of geriatric nonagenarians cruising their bling in a phat escalade? They’ll completely disappear from view and not even know they’ve just flattened a preschool!
My car is manual. That means I get to push it.
when attempting to leave LA for the very first time, American Airlines totally messed up my reservations. They had me going from one terminal to the next till it was too late. My flight took off without me. To rectify the problem and get me the hell out of their ariport they offered me two options...option one was a first class seat. only problem was that it would be landing at the airport at 10pm. I should mention that airport is an hour away from where I live and the friend who was picking me up had a small child.
Despite the fact that the friend who was dropping me off kept urging me to take the first class flight I turned it down. Long story a little less long… AA messed me up again and I ended up in that first class seat anyway. And you know? It really isn’t all that.
The ice cream sundae was good though. But then, ice cream sundaes always are.
i’m just goint to echo brad and rely on acronyms here ...
ROTFL.