Prologue:
Helpful, sparkling, user-friendly text on Earthlink support web site, accessed from work after DSL modem at home refuses to connect to the Net:
SAN FRANCISCO - Original on 14-Jan-2004 14:55:13 Eastern: We are currently investigating loss of sync, pppoe timeout or difficulties accessing sites and services on or off the EarthLink Network for DSL Customers in the Bay Area. Additional information will be provided as it becomes available. Earthlink Operations
That evening:
Hour one.
-Hmmm. What did I do before the Internet? Oh I know, I’ll watch some television.
-What the hell is all this? People shouting at each other and waving guns and driving fast in cars. I don’t get it. I’ll just navigate to another page…
(Hits screen with fingers)
-Ow! Where are the hyperlinks? How do I change the screen? TV sucks.
Hour Two.
-I know, I’ll read. I love Pride and Prejudice so I’ll read that. I don’t care that I haven’t checked my email in six hours.
“Elizabeth was sitting by herself the next morning, and writing to Jane, when she was startled by a ring at the door. The door opened, and to her very great surprise, Mr. Darcy, and Mr. Darcy only, entered the room.
‘How did you get here?’ Elizabeth gasped.
‘Oh, I used Mapquest,’ Mr. Darcy said smugly. ‘I downloaded the directions into my Handspring, where I also keep the recipe for a very fine cabbage and potato recipe that I obtained from Epicurious.com.’”
-Wait a minute, that’s not what happened. My God, I’m going into withdrawal and hallucinating. Must stay...busy…
Hour Three.
-I know, I’ll call a friend on the phone. That’ll be great. Wait...how do I call my friend? I don’t remember. Oh, I’ll just type in some numbers at random. That should work.
“Hello?”
-Yes, hello sir! I am trying to reach a friend. Are you a friend?
“Screw you, jerkoff. I’m sick of being bothered by you sickos.”
--L-O-L, sir! L-O-L!
“What? L-O-L?”
-It means I am laughing very heartily at the moment! Smiley face! Winky emoticon!
“Wink at this, dillweed.” (Hangs Up)
Hour four.
Lying on living room carpet, surrounded by vast, heavy, unbearable reality. Suddenly, a man appears.
-Who...who are you?
“I am your Man Friday.”
-Go away. You’re another hallucination. A product of my fevered imagination. Let me die in peace.
“No, good sir. I am to be your teacher on this island of despair. I will help you to survive in this Internet-less desert. You will learn to find spiritual fulfillment in the simple life, away from the perils of things like hyperlinks and javascript. At the end of our companionship, you will be a new man...and a much richer one, even if at the moment you feel most poor, most poor indeed.”
-Oh. What are you carrying under your arm?”
“A Sony Playstation. Up for a round of Resident Evil 2?”
Greg you’re a genius.
Seriously.
if that post wasn’t pure genius i’d be upset that you massacred P&P;. you know how I can tell this is pure fiction? Reading Pride and Prejudice didn’t make everything better. That is the BESTEST book EVER! yes.
My chest closed up reading that.
Oh dear. That is so true. What the hell did I do before the ‘Net and digital photography?
Hah. I am never leaving here. Ever.
I felt exactly this same way the other day. But I had no words to describe the restless feeling....
Greg - you are brilliant!
you know how i knew this was fiction?
that the guy said ”dillweed.”
riiiight.
also: the “i said L-O-L” was absolute genius.
also also: the only way this post could have been better would be if it had included another photo of you. just a bit of constructive feedback there.
You saw how well I tried to resist checking my email in SF.
Lyrics excerpted from:
“Cyberspace: a Musical Odyssey” by Leonard Nimoy.
BTW, Julia, I have to tell you, I use “dillweed” all the time. It confuses people.
oh my god.
and you’re still alive.
That IS scary. Honestly Greg.
DSL? Doesn’t the Bay Area have digital-speed internet access? Why for the low low price of $115 per month, we have digital TV and digital internet here in Portland. Hmm...DSL doesn’t sound so bad anymore....
Dear God!!
Are you okay? Are you going to survive last night’s DT’s ?! Did you have to call your internet “sponsor”?!
Even in Iraq we get pissy if the internet connection goes down. It’s like someone took away your favorite blankie as a kid and you want to punch who ever caused you the trauma fo not having entertainment.
Oh, you poor thing… do you have a place that you can stay, until Earthlink gets this whole mess straightened out? I’m pretty sure the RedCross sets up command centers and shelters during times of crisis like this…
OMG! i like your way to write! ^___^
Oh, how I know those days. The worst was when I actually sad “L-O-L”! I had one of those the other day, except instead of ‘lol’, I said “B-R-B”.
Even your lack of internet has the internet ladies flocking to you and flooding you with complements. Sheesh. How do you do it? Teach me.
First the picture, then the Pride and Prejudice-loving… this is all some kind of evil plot to convince me to take back the mushroom thing by being hot, isn’t it?
(Because yes, the world does revolve around me. Otherwise I wouldn’t need a blog.)
Greggums, you missed my favorite non-net activity...reading magazines. Tailored to our eroded attention spans, the pages are just that, *pages*! It’s like someone printed out 30 minutes worth of net surfing. There’s a new, young editor-in-chief at GQ. New Yorker, Vanity Fair, & Esquire all feel like the internet now.
You rule. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost said, “LOL” outloud.
Brilliant!
Another example of why I love visiting this site.
are you by any chance HutchRocks? taht left this comment on mine..:#1 Sign: You are watching TV and you want to change channels by opening a new window. well doesnt matter if it was or wasnt, great little story there though. LOL.