I never liked the whole Starbucks “tall, venti, grande” thing but I let it pass because my first experience with Starbucks coffee was so memorable. This was around the mid 90s and they were successful but not as insanely successful as they are now. I lived in Massachusetts, and I visited a Starbucks in Boston and kicked back one their house coffees. It was dark, strong, and powerful. It wasn’t the best I ever had, but it definitely made me pay attention and I still remember it to this day. I actually think Starbucks coffee tasted better back when the chain was still a little hungry; these days I can detect a faint, acrid aftertaste.
But I recently went into a Jamba Juice and I realize that this whole size thing has got to stop. Do you realize that their drinks come in “sixteen,” “original,” and “power”?
I’ll be drawn and quartered by a pack of rabid horses before I ever say to anyone, “I’d like to order a sixteen apple-peach matcha with a protein boost.” Why sixteen, anyway? Why not just call it a jailbait?
Screw all these trendy chains with their made up sizes. What next? You walk into Cold Stone Creamery and order a C-Cup Scoop of Pecan and Cream Passion?
I usually talk about trivial matters on this site and eschew politics, but it’s time for all of us to make ourselves heard. They’ll keep trying to screw with us as long as we let them. We need to stand up and buck the system. I want all of you to walk into Starbucks and order a Power Caramel Macchiato, and then go into Jamba Juice and order a Grande Acai Supercharger. And if the “barristers” or “juice jockeys” or whatever the hell they call themselves try to correct you, you tell them “Look, shut the hell up and get me my drink in the exact size that I just ordered. Otherwise I’ll call your manager and bust you so far down the franchise food chain that you’ll be slinging sausages and lemonade at Hot Dog on a Stick, which conveniently come in the sizes of Kidney, Schnauzer, and Ballpark.”
Oh man… I miss Jamba Juice. There aren’t any where I live now.
And I would TOTALLY walk in there and order a jailbait with extra C (cups!). I am easily amused.
I’m a recovering marketer, and am partly culpable for this new era in american retardation. Not too long ago I was shopping for motorcycle boots, and found some with “patent-pending double-action nucleus flexible ankle technology.” They were expensive, so I asked if they had any single-action nucleus boots.
They did not.
I like to do a similar thing in burger chains - like ordering a Fishwich (was this Burger King?) in McDonald’s instead of a Fillet-o-fish. If they won’t use real words, I won’t get their neologisms right…
I used to love going into a place with sizes like medium, large, and super, and asking for a small drink. “We don’t have small, sir. We have medium, large and super” Good, I’ll have the small one. “Sir, we don’t have small!!” OK, look at your medium, large and super, and give me the smallest. Think Jack Nicholson without the talent or sneer.
i used to go to McDonald’s and order a small fry and they’d say, “We don’t have small.” Well, what size do you have? (at that time) “We have medium, large and super-sized.” So, isn’t a medium a small?
I refuse to use the Starbucks size system. Whenever I am forced to get coffee from the chain, I always ask for “the biggest” with room for cream. The workers try to correct me with that tall/grande/blah blah blah talk, but then I just take more of their time by asking for visuals. It’s not out of rudeness; it’s just confusing for me. Tall should be the biggest, but it’s not. They need my input (and your revolution, Greg), so they can stop the insanity.
My clones are completely overwrought by this system of euphemistic/fantasy sizing. It’s a game we play on long drives now.
For the record, I am their Super-Sized King Biggie Whole Father with a bit of salt on top.
Poor Greg. I have some Midol, do you need it? Want a hug instead?
I order beverages by the number of ounces in the cup, 12/16/20 at Starbucks and 16/24/32 at Jamba Juice. Coldstone still confuses me with, “Like it” and “Love it” so I just grunt and point.
If you’re tackling such a GRANDE and widespread political issue today, I’m feeling a little afraid to come back when you “talk about trivial matters”.
Maybe you’re just venti-ng, a little, or a lot. There’s no way of telling.
I said tall mocha frappuccino once and it just felt weird. Now I act all innocent and put on my southern accent (which really isn’t a put on these days) and say ‘the small one’. Makes me feel so much better.
I will gladly take a Power Hug.
*) starbucks actually does have a “small” but they don’t like to talk about it. it’s eight ounces, and inherently emasculating. especially with cream and splenda. not that I’d know about such things.
*) legend tells of a man who walked into ‘bux and ordered a Mahatma Grande. I’d like to try it myself but I’m insufficiently nonviolent.
I always add to the confusion by asking for a grande coffee in a venti cup. There’s at least 3.5 seconds of blank stare and silence...I’ve counted.
Sidebar: For the first time, when clicking the link for the comments, I thought, “OH, IT WILL BE BROUGH’EN!”
Amen! I can’t think of anything clever to add, but I’m with you on this one.
I’ll have a triple-tall-quad-caff with a foam back in a short cup and make it snappy, gomer.
um… how’s that?
I dunno, C-cup at Coldstone seems so underambitious. Would definitely have to be a D, maybe make it a double.
remind me, why aren’t you in charge?
We have a gelati store here called Trampoline and the girls behind the counter wear tank tops that say “Ask about our cup sizes”.
*sigh* I’ve been eating a lot of gelati lately…
My ass would tell you I always order the D-cup.
I have to shame-facedly (which is kind of pointless, since you can’t see my face in the first place) admit to laughing audibly at the C-Cup scoop of ice cream. *sigh*
And UnderwearNinja? I am loving your website. Could you design me a logo for my Ninja poodles? They’re mostly girls, but they’re still ninja-esque.
Funny sh*t here. hahaha I love it when people make me laugh. So far early on this Thursday morning, you get the trophy! [thumbsup] Thanks for getting me started right. This was a much better kick than a venti vanilla mocha no whip!!
At Starbucks, I usually just point at one, and grunt “Big...”
Amen. Being from the Boston area, I think that the Yankee mentality gives us an even lower tolerance for trendy words like “grande” than maybe west coasters who have been surrounded by trendy since the beginning of time.
While not the most macho fellow in the world, I drink my coffee black, and one of the few macho moments in my day are ordering a large, black, coffee (sad, isn’t it?). Having to use the words “grande,” “latte,” or god-forbid “macchiado” completely ruin the experience.
So, standing with a line full of small glasses wearing, turtle neck sporting folks who wear berets that cost more than my wardrobe, I can hear them rolling their eyes when I simply order a “large black coffee, please.”
I’m sick of Corporate Speak
because
I just want a black coffee.
all this talk of boobs is making me laugh. With that in my head, in dan’s post, his bullet points look like side ways boobs. Nice rack dan.
*)
*)
Dude, Cold Stone already makes up ridiculous names for their sizes. If I remember correctly, it’s “Like it,” “Love it,” or “Gotta have it.” But I hear they’re developing an even bigger size, which they’re planning to call “Just give me a ton of fucking ice cream already you asshole.”
I’m not sure how well that will test in focus groups though.
To make this a little poignant and relevant, I just had a dear friend with strong emotional ties to New Orleans ask simply, “How do you adjust to a Starbucks world when you’ve known Cafe du Monde?” I hope that’s not what NOLA has to look forward to in rebuilding. I hope they can retain their definitely anti-brand brand of charm.