I am highly adverse to getting involved in physical violence. I won’t even high five someone without putting on a biking helmet first.
The other day I went running around Lake Merritt with a co-worker. She’s 5’9” and likes to box recreationally. She said, “I feel safer running in the evening when I have a running partner.” I said, “I sure hope you’re not talking about me. You’re the boxer. If a gang of muggers attacks us, the best I can hope for is to sweat and maybe bleed on them a little. I’m looking to you to do some damage.”
However, now that I’ve seen Cinderella Man, I’m thinking that I’d probably be a pretty good boxer. Because for someone who doesn’t like sports and boxing in particular, I’ve seen an awful lot of boxing movies. Most of the Rocky flicks and that one that came out recently that made really not want to bite my tongue.
They all have the same training montages. For example, there’s always a scene where the protagonist just stands around and hits that tiny little punching bag. He or she looks all intense and just bashes at it. But it’s small. I could totally hit that little punching bag over and over.
In Million Dollar Baby, that little punching bag was a big deal. Hilary Swank wanted to hit it but it belonged to Dirty Harry so she couldn’t. I was all, screw it. Go to a Party America! outlet and get yourself a good sized animal balloon. It’ll serve the same purpose.
Then there’s the scene where they jump rope. What a bunch of sissies. The only guys who ever jumped rope were the ones who were trying to impress the girls in elementary school. I was one of those guys, come to think of it, but eventually I got tired of it and went to go play dodgeball, which was more fun even though I always got beaned in the head.
And then there’s the scene where the boxer goes up lots of stairs. Big deal. Have you ever noticed that people who use the Stairmaster in the gym are always the ones least interested in actually getting anything accomplished? They trod slowly along, flipping through a magazine and wondering if they’ll get home in time to watch America’s Top Model. Their idea of breaking a threshold is burning through five calories. Stairs are for losers.
So anyway, I’ve seen so many boxing training montages in the movies that now I think I’m probably too qualified to be a boxer. I mean, I don’t want to hurt anyone. So even though I could box, I think I won’t bother. I’ll just stick to slap-n-tickle fights.
Don’t underestimate slap-n-tickle fights for damage potential. I once cracked my head on a windowsill during a particularly rowdy session. Nearly knocked myself cold…
Stairs are the most punishing sadistic bitches that exist. Running up them makes me instantly 90 years old. Just so you know.
Oh, I agree, you could so be a great boxer. And I’ve no doubt you could do us proud in those shiny shorts.
Have you seen the newest in Stairmasters? They’re actual moving stairs—like an escalator on crack—People are constantly being flung from them...it makes the gym worth going to.
oh...and you definitely qualify as a boxer. They should just go ahead and give you one of those golden belt thingies.
I haven’t seen cindyman yet but I am sure I will see it and totally miss the point, because I went to camp with Craig Bierko and he was, hands down, the funniest guy I’ve ever met in my life. He could read the ingredients on a box of toothpicks and crack up dead people.
on the other hand, I misread the first sentence of your post and thought you were going to put on a bikini helmet. Between that and the shiny shorts, you just might take the trophy from old craig. so watch out, next time russel crowe wants to punch someone out *on film*, it might be you.
Abandoning the boxing plan is best, else when would you have time to develop your skills as a weatherman?
... and now i’m hearing denis leary. have we become a nation of gerbils, ladies and gentlemen? i go up the stairs, i go down the stairs. and the chair master! i stand up, i sit down, i stand up. and the door master! i open the door, i close the door ...
I agree with Holley, boxing would interfere with your weatherman potential.
After all, you already have the perfect hair and boxing could really f up your face...can’t have that.
I love that you don’t love sports.
You in silk boxing shorts. hhhheeaaavvveeennn! jeez what an erotic post.
Well, I’d say that now that you know not to tuck your thumb in your fist when you punch someone, you could be a boxer.
Slap-n-tickle fights often lead to other things...like, say, a massage or some great makeout session. And for good reason. Now, if you were to punch the girl in the face...
Who told him he wasn’t supposed to put his thumb in his fist? I was waiting for the first time he actually punched someone and broke it.
Yeah, be a weatherman. Weathermen don’t have to be 100% correct to collect a paycheck. Boxers, on the other hand, either win or wind up eating people.
Also, boxers have to really like pigeons.
Just don’t be newbie weatherman on the Gulf coast becuase they get sent out into hurricanes.
You prefer a bit of slap and tickle to boxing? Then I guess it’s safe to say you’re definitely a lover not a fighter.
and once someone loses an eye during those slap-n-tickle fights it will become a sport.
Not only do weathermen not have to be right 100% of the time, they can be wrong most of the time and keep their job