Everyone’s excited about the new Lord of the Rings movie, “The Two Towers.” No one seems to care about the new James Bond movie, “Die Another Day.”

I’m here to tell you that you should be caring about Bond, and only Bond.  But don’t take my word for it.  Let’s see how the two franchises stack up on the key issues:

Cute girls.
Bond: Has cute girls.
Lord of the Rings: Has cute girls, but they have pointed ears.

Weapons.
Bond: Lots of gadgets and guns.
Lord of the Rings: Swords and weird jewelry.  When you’re staring into the face of evil, what should you be holding--a Walther PPK or a crummy magic ring?

Bad guys.
Bond: Has bad guys with cool names like Goldfinger and Jaws.
Lord of the Rings: Main bad guy is named Sauron, which is notably unscary.  It’s right up there with “Francis” and “Oswald” in terms of names that strike terror into your heart.

Christopher Lee.
Bond: Had Christopher Lee as villain in only one movie, “The Man With the Golden Gun.”
Lord of the Rings: Has Christopher Lee as villain in all three movies.  Okay, so LOTR wins one lousy category.

Credibility.
Bond: Ian Fleming, author of the original Bond novels, actually worked as a secret agent.  Cool.
Lord of the Rings: J.R. Tolkien, author of the Lord of the Rings novels, was a Professor of Anglo-Saxon at Oxford.  He wasn’t a hobbit, or an elf, or a Wizard.  He wasn’t even a lousy orc.  Which author do you trust?  I thought so.

Explosions.
Bond: Lots of explosions.
Lord of the Rings: No explosions.  Gasoline hasn’t even been invented yet.

As you can see, this isn’t a matter of personal taste or subjective opinion; it’s pure, unadulterated logic.  See you at Bond’s opening night.