I’ve always thought that a lot more people are gay or bisexual than the statistics suggest; it’s just fear and an intolerant society that keeps them on the straight and narrow. So to speak. That said, I also believe that there’s people who are just plain straight.
But for a long time, I theorized that every straight woman had salacious thoughts about Angelina Jolie. I can’t count the number of my female friends who have told me that this is true for them. They are always vaguely embarrassed, saying that they’re not that way but whoa, she has a look that makes them say “husband, schmusband--she’s on my laminated list of exceptions.”
Typical scenario: “I like to think about me and Angelia going to the supermarket, getting produce together. And then making out.”
Or: “I just want to do my nails with Angelina. And then our toes. And then get a full body massage. And then buff our breasts together.”
What is it about her? Is it the quiet strength that she radiates, which gives her a kind of masculine authority that appeals even to women? Is it the fact that she complements that strength with compassion in terms of her charity efforts?
Let me tell you something: a long time ago, I found myself with a baby that I didn’t want. I don’t want to go into details. But I did something I’m not proud of--I put the baby in a dumpster. And then I ran away. And when I turned around? Angelina was plucking the baby out of a pile of tin cans and putting it into a basket. She waved at me and said “Hey, when you’re ready, come look up me and Brad and we’ll give it back to you.”
The Brad thing almost blew it, of course. Brangelina breaking up Braniston was a national crisis and it sullied Angelina’s image. But people got over it and Jennifer stopped making movies anyone cared about and now it’s okay for straight women to fantasize about Angelia once more.
However, I think I’ve found the one exception to the rule--the one woman who just isn’t interested:
Congrats, Condi. You’re officially the only human being on the planet who would, in that particular situation, be facing that direction.
From that standpoint, it’s a pretty good metaphor for your entire political career.
She’s on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, she’s on the cover of Vanity Fair, and now she’s in your blog. Not complaining per se, just an observation. Another observation: have you noticed how many people can’t type “per se”? They type “per say,” or “pur-sey,” or some such nonsense. But then, I was the guy trying to look up “auderb” while looking at the written phrase “hors d’oeuvre” and thinking “horse douvers.” You just came back from France, maybe you can explain that one to me. Oh, wait, you don’t read your own blog. Never mind.
Meanwhile, I’ve decided that it’s okay to like Gwyneth again now that Iron Man is actually okay, plus remember she briefly makes out with a girl in The Royal Tenenbaums. Plus I have a thing for girls who like Gwyneth, for some reason.
Plus I forgot to mention that Condi is going to be McCain’s VP!! Oh, wait, did I just disclose a national secret? Like the fact that Nicholas Cage hasn’t made a decent film since, um, the one he did with Angelina? No, wait, that sucked too.
I thank you for spreading the Jolie just a little more thickly in my life. It brings to my mind that clip of her making out with, was it Billy? on the red carpet of some big event, with her dad standing right next to them. John Voigt does not often look like he’s wearing a frozen jockstrap three sizes too small, but he looked like it then. He tried to stop the shenanigans with a steely glare but Billy or whoever could not have cared less. The power of Jolie: sufficient to eclipse the power of Voigt, who was the toughest convict in Alaska in one of my favorite movies, Runaway Train. That’s some impressive power, there.
And I never thought of Condi as the sort of woman who’d find any redeeming qualities in those who help abandoned children. Especially not foriegn children. I bet if Angie were bailing out mortgage brokers instead, she’d get some of that good sticky rice. O there goes my appetite.
That’s funny. I’m bi and Jolie just doesn’t do it for me at all.
She is absolutely hotttt. No question. But I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with her.
By her own admission, she’s not an out-and-out Democrat, not kind, doesn’t like to read scripts, and can’t sit still to watch a movie.
She’d infuriate me.
i haven’t thought about making out with her or even having hot, steamy sex with her, what i’ve thought about is touching her… a lot.
Is that bad?
A family member took her and his own daughter to brunch once, when she was 15 and known to all and sundry as “Acid Angie.” Because of, you know, her great teenage affection for wearing jeans.
With each telling of that small story, I embellish. One more time and the next incarnation will be a detailed explaination of how we’re best buds.
I’m not proud.
ooo...BURN!
ANd yes, as a straight, married woman I would have to agree that there are a select few women that I would happily *do it* with....Angelina being one of them. Although her maternal side charms me much more than her freaky side.
Oh, you know what would be even better? A THREEsome with Brad. Yea, I’ll take that.
Any mom who can rock a fruit loop necklace at her photoshoot gets me hot.
I’m not into her either. Weird underbite. Sorry dude.
Angie found a baby of mine I left in an alley near the post office once; I went to get it back a few years later and it was super spoiled. All “I’m hungry” and “Can I sleep in the house?” If I had it to do over again I’d have followed my gut and left that baby in back of the Chevron.