Because they end up loving stuff that I hate.
1. The Atkin’s Diet is officially a cultural phenomenon. Low carb food is quickly filling the supermarket, and even fast food places will be offering low carb versions of their food. Everyone is convinced that if you eat a bunch of meat, you lose weight.
That makes total sense. Why, just the other day, I was talking to my friend the lion. He said, “Hey Greg, I’ve lost tons of weight on the Atkin’s Diet. It’s great! All I have to do is eat meat. So, like, I’ve been eating antelopes and gazelles and stuff.”
I said, “Isn’t that what you ate before? You really don’t look all that diff--”
(Glares)
“....uh...you are one skinny lion, my friend.”
2. Financial planners. I’m not just picking on this cretin, because they all say the same thing. In order to retire rich, you must use a tax-deferred savings account like a 401(k), and buy a house.
That’s just brilliant. So you should save up for retirement? And buy a house? Here’s a thought: it takes money to do all those things. Can everyone afford to take a slice out of their paycheck while at the same time purchasing real estate and paying a mortgage? No? Then I guess that means you can only retire rich if you already have money. And, y’know, giving up lattes won’t actually get you there either. Anyone know any financial planners? Better hide them. Each and every one of them is first up against the wall, come the revolution.
3. The Presidential Election. Look, every four years I look forward to following the campaigns. But this year it’s just pathetic. John Kerry is the frontrunner for the democratic nomination? Obviously no one’s even interested in having a real election; they just want to get it over with and keep Bush. The only possible bit of fun out of all of this is waiting for Kerry to completely explode at a press conference: “Will all of you please stop calling me Walter Mondale? It’s not funny.”
Haven’t you heard of the Caveman diet? You only eat what a caveman would have, so that you lose weight naturally. The problem is, based on some cave paintings I’ve seen, there were fat cavemen too.
It’s a great plan! By denying myself a small black coffee and a york peppermint patty after my sack lunch every day, I will eventually save enough money in 70 years to buy a time-share in a closet in some dude’s condo in Lodi. I will be able to have my ashes stored there four weekends a year! Meantime I’m considering giving up my habit of gambling on luxury cruises while setting fire to piles of cocaine and fine art. It’s not the money, it’s just that the thrill is gone. I’d be jaded, but jade is so passe’.
yeah, dan, all the trendy meat-eating rich guys know that amber is the new jade.
i read money magazine and think the exact same thing. basically, if you spend your money recklessly, then you have lots of stuff but are poor. if you save it, then you have money but you can’t enjoy it. awesome! thanks for letting me know!
(ps: the last national poll had kerry at 49% and bush at 46% head to head. just fyi. he’s ugly, but effective.)
ugly? come on, be nice. it’s not his fault he looks like the tree in the wizard of oz.
Gore Vidal says he looks like Lincoln. After the assassination.
I am on the “Its really cold so eat as much as possible because without 20 more pounds of fat you will surely freeze to death in this Arctic Chill!” diet. It causes me to blow all my money on goat cheese, gorgonzola, fancy bread and freshly filled canollis with postachios. I am going to die fat and poor.
If you think about it, I am really just taking a different kind of shortcut, it is a shortcut to my death!
Your latte retort doesn’t do the financial planners justice…
Case in point: Yetserday I was tending toward listlessness. In order to combat this, I devised a ‘game day’ plan. I took my friend Clitty Twitty to Wally World and picked the DVD/Pop Culture Edition Trivial Pursuit and also spotted a DVD of Cocteau’s ‘Sympathy For The Devil’ (which I bought in honor of The History Channel’s quite enjoyable ‘Barbarians Week.’) That’s just $42.87 on the surface...but Greg - look at it with oprah eyes. Just $42.87 a day *put away* even just *under your mattress* without interest accrual over one year would be $15,261.72! Over twenty years that would be $305,234.40! Again, that’s without interest. Now wouldn’t that be more desirable than 7,120 copies of Trivial Pursuit and a dvd? Come on Greg, my logic is unassailable. Additionally, if you do go the non-interest-bearing ‘under mattress’ route, you may never need another bed again.
And, yeah...the Democrats have been a joke for awhile.
I always thought John Kerry looked like a Spitting Image puppet, myself.
I am also sick to death of the freaking Atkins Diet people. It’s a fad diet… you cannot sustain weight loss with that plan, and most people are going to cause themselves more harm in the long run. But, whatever… all I’m saying is that the man denied himself bread and cookies and all the good things in life… then slipped and fell and died. Don’t you think he’s in The Great Beyond now saying “damn! Shoulda enjoyed myself more...”
I will have no retirement because I spend all of my money on steaks.
Lattes never left anyone broke. What people don’t think through is all the other crap they buy. Like a walkman that holds 10,000 MP3’s for $500? I still don’t understand why someone needs that.
Just know that when the revolution comes, the financial planners won’t need to worry because they will already be on a spaceship headed for their lush condos on Mars.
Love your blog!
“...even people making as little as $50,000.00 a year” if I was making as LITTLE as $50,000.00 a year I wouldn’t have too much trouble buying a freakin’ house or saving for my retirement.
what they probably meant was, if you buy a slum in the ghetto then and only then can you do both: save and own. otherwise it is impossible to have a house and plan for retirement. i am hoping to just be run over by a bus one day rather than stress myself with all this planning.
But Greg, what about Suze Orman? How can you hate her?
Oh, and it’s official: I think I love Bryan.
@*(&(*!@ BRYAN, be dumber in your comments. You’re siphoning chicks away from my site.
My retirement plan involves selling a kidney to some rich fool who followed the Atkins diet. I will then invest that money in gout medication.
By the way, has anybody used the ol’ “Hey Kerry, why the long face?” joke yet?
money’s all complicated and shit! and politics? phoooooey! i don’t get it! who’s running for what again? and WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WOOF! WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF!
(how’s that?)
Foiled again, Howard. I love him even more.
(And I don’t know why I always feel compelled to call you by your last name.)
Be like me: take a loan from your 401(k) to get together the down payment so that you can get a mortgage at all. That really screws with the financial planners.