There’s a lot to hate in the world and I’m constantly reshuffling my top five to make way for new entrants. For example, wouldn’t it be nice if every person who says things like “I’M YER NUMBER ONE STUNNA” was dropped from a tall building? But I think a powerful new contender has to be the trend of rich people tossing off racial or ethnic slurs, and then going to “leaders” of those racial or ethnic groups in order to ask for forgiveness.

This happened when Mel Gibson was arrested for drunk driving and started in with an anti-semitic rant; after the dust settled, I read that he met with Jewish leaders in order to discuss the incident and formally apologize. Similarly, Michael “Kramer from Seinfeld” Richards recently broke into a racist tirade at an L.A. comedy club, and he hired a PR consultant with “deep contacts in the black community” in order to help repair his public image.

Sadly, here’s how I expect those initial conversations go:

IDIOT CELEBRITY: Hi, I’d like you to talk to the press on my behalf and say how we talked and how what I did was wrong but it’s not really my fault.  It was the fault of our culture of racism and violence and Martha Stewart products, and stuff.

LEADER: I see.  And what do I get out of helping you salvage your alleged Hollywood career?

IDIOT CELEBRITY: You get your name in the papers, further associating you with the racial and/or ethnic group that you represent, which helps solidify your credentials as the go-to person for that entire collective.

LEADER: Fantastic.  You have a deal. But listen, you’re not really racist, are you?

IDIOT CELEBRITY: Oh no no. I just stubbed my toe and a bunch of racial epithets came out.  But, I mean, that doesn’t make me racist.

LEADER: I should say not!  I look forward to doing business with you!

Here’s how those scenes should go:

IDIOT CELEBRITY: Hi, I’d like you to talk to the press on my behalf.

LEADER: I see.  Now be quiet for a moment...I’m getting a message from the racial/ethnic group that I’m supposed to represent...it’s like a billion voices in my head, all whispering the same thing…

IDIOT CELEBRITY: And?  And?  They say that they forgive me?

LEADER: They say that..that…

IDOT CELEBRITY: Yes?  YES?

LEADER: ...that you’re an asshead, that you should have stopped with the first Lethal Weapon, and that your so-called religious epic was actually a glorified snuff film. Get the hell out of my office.

However, I’m a realist. I know that this trend is likely to continue in full force as even more famous people with deep pockets spew hatred and bile into the world, causing even more leaders to line up behind them in order to scarf up the resulting publicity. Therefore, I’ve decided to become one of those leaders.  Despite being straight, white, and middle-class, there’s nonetheless a group with which I’m closely identified in the public eye: People who hate people who make turns without using a turn signal.  Therefore, I’m making myself available to any celebrity who makes a turn without signaling and thus elicits a public outcry.  Come to me, let’s talk about it, and maybe I’ll go to the press and speak on your behalf.

But you have to be smart about it.  For example, I recently met with Britney Spears and it didn’t go well:

BRITNEY: I took a left-hand turn without signaling and now everyone hates me.  Can you talk to the media and say how sorry I am about it?

ME: Well, Britney, I represent a group that really hates people who make turns without signaling.  Why did you do it?

BRITNEY: My hands were full.  I was balancing my baby on my shoulders while snorting crack and signing Kevin’s divorce papers.  The steering wheel and routine functions of the car just became an afterthought.

ME: Okay, I’ll speak to the press on your behalf--

BRITNEY: Yay!

ME: BUT only if you agree to certain conditions.  First, when you’re driving around with your kid, use a goddamn babyseat like everyone else.  It’s your baby, not a football.

BRITNEY: That’s a sound parenting tip!

ME: Second, don’t marry any more gold digging rap star wannabee dancers.  Third and most important, stop using letters such as “4” and “U” in the place of actual English words such as “for” and “you.” For example, in the title of your Top 40 smash “I’m a Slave 4 U.” Prince did that first--and you, Britney, are no Prince.  It’s annoying as hell when you do it.

BRITNEY: Got it!  Thanks!  Okay! 

ME: So I guess I’ll call up the newspapers and start saving your reputation.

BRITNEY: That’s awesome!  2 R 2 Good 2 B 4-gotten!

(pause)

Oops.

ME: Get the hell out of my office.