April 17, 2006 - Although it’s still several months before the summer driving season, gas prices across the country have either nearly reached or exceeded $3.00 a gallon. According to senior officials at the major gas companies, an alien invasion in responsible for the price jumps.
“They’re invisible creatures who thrive on radiation,” explained the president of Shell. “They reach out with their radioactive arms and kill people. We’ve lost several oil tanker captains to their treachery and their burning, crackling talons of death. We urge all Americans to take appropriate precautions.”
The latest crisis comes after a series of domestic and international events have conspired to dramatically raise gas prices in the United States.
“First it was tensions in Iraq,” remarked a senior oil official. “Then it was Hurricane Katrina. Then it was rebel insurgents in Nigeria. And now an invasion of invisible radioactive aliens. It really just seems to be one thing after another, and unfortunately it’s the pocketbooks of hard working Americans that seem fated to pay the price.”
Oddly, the president of Mobil described the aliens somewhat differently. “They’re very bumpy and have big steel hands. Very scary. My daughter is scared whenever I talk about them.”
When told that the president of Shell said the aliens were both invisible and radioactive, the president of Mobil quickly agreed. “Oh right, completely. Bumpy and steely and radioactive and invisible. That’s what I said the first time.”
Several of the companies have co-authored and distributed a memo offering suggestions on how Americans can combat rising fuel costs.
“When possible, bike to work or join a commuting program. Try to walk more often instead of driving short distances. And finally, use geiger counters and other sophisticated radiation-dectecting equipment in order to ferret out and destroy our would-be alien conquerors.”
Oil officials quickly dismiss allegations that they themselves are responsible for the rise in gas prices in order to continue their record-setting profits from 2005. The president of Exxon told the press, “We’re as dismayed the situation as Americans are. In fact, all of us gas company presidents are going to meet and discuss how we can resolve this crisis. We’ll be in the Bahamas for the next month working on the problem. We’ll get back to you.”
Those aliens sound suspiciously like my 4th grade school teacher. But, gas was 15 cents a gallon then. Doesn’t compute, somehow.
i suspect you’re making this up. you expect me to believe that oil companies would encourage us to bike or walk? c’mon, greg!
Gosh I wish I were an oil company president.
I love my limited edition Hummer2 in fusion orange!
I would like to point out that oil company presidents are not pointing guns at the heads of soccer moms and men with inadequacies and forcing them to buy 12 miles per gallon SUVs.
You know, there is something to this. I feel very strange paying $3 a gallon at the gas pump. Very strange. Its as though there is some alien presence there with me as I fill my tank. I was going to go see a psychologist about it, see if he couldn’t explain my disquiet or sense of unease. I think you just saved me a trip and a big bill. I Thank you. My insurance company thanks you.
They did NOT say that. I think the oil dudes and the pharmaceutical dudes are all actually Jessica Simpson.
All your oil are belong to us, Earthlings!
It all makes me wonder: if the oil companies would have awards ceremonies where they bashed capitalism and the President and the people who bought their product, would they then be allowed to walk away with the obscene return-on-investment and salary that movie studios and actors make?
Yeah, probably not. Not enough breast augmentation surgery.